2009

Let's see...what did I do this year? I had a baby, got sick, got better and chopped off my hair. I felt like it was a year of transformation for me. I also turned 30. I feel like a butterfly that emerged from a cocoon. Except I think I was more beautiful before. 2009. The year I got fat and ugly. Also the year I realized how much my husband and kids needed me. And the year I got baby Griffin. I've also become closer to my friends I think. SBHL girls, I love y'all so much!

Tonight I am gonna party like a rockstar with my newest sidekick Baby G. Word.

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Just doesn't feel right...

... To put this on facebook so I'm going to tell y'all instead. My neighbor brought over a bottle of wine for Christmas and I've almost drank the whole bottlle myself! I have too many kids to be this drunk! Anyone else ever feel this way??? Oops!

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Peace on Earth

Sigh

My kids are so wild today. Literally bouncing off the walls. They asked me for lunch and I didn't hop to it fast enough so they proceeded to ask me for clam chowder 147 times in a row. I told they to be quiet and I would get it for them. I was heating it up and Kim asked me AGAIN!!!!!!! I turned around and snapped at her, "if I hear you say 'clam chowder' again I'm going to beat you!" immediately Kennen walked in the kitchen and asked "is the clam chowder ready?"

WTF? I turned around to chase down and beat my kids and Jeff finally stepped in to help me. He sternly told them to sit down and be quiet.

Then Jeff looked at me with a little grin and asked me, "Can I have some ham powder? How about some schlam dowder?" Then I laughed until I cried. What a dirty J-w.

Mii huz

Doesn't this Mii look very true to life??? And excuse the boob tube line. My tv is prehistoric.

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Happy

I am. Happy and busy but I miss blogging. It's such a pain in the ass to blog long posts from my iPhone so my new plan is short and sweet posts. Something is better than nothing, yes? Yes!

Baby Griffin is perfect and such a silly and social little guy. He coos and talks and smiles at anyone who will stop to lookat him. 4 months old and already making friends and influencing people.

I am off steroids and my UC is under control. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. I'm still 20 lbs heavier than I was a year ago, but my big fat moon face is shrinking. Woot!

Here is me and my beardy baby love.

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Slumber party?

My baby girl is growing up! She has gone on not one but two sleepovers in the past few weeks. I don't know if I am ready for it but Kimberly totally is. Both times she had a blast and didn't want to come home. So weird that she is growing up so fast.

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Thankful

I am thankful for Jeff. He is fun and fascinating and still surprises me after all these years. He makes me laugh until I cry. He makes mad until I scream. I love love love my baby love. I'm so thankful that I walked by him and said "hi" and made him fall in love with me.

I'm thankful for my kids. What a weird thing to be in charge of 3 little kids when I still feel like a child myself.

I'm thankful for my friends. My AZ friends and my IL friend still live in pockets of my heart. My new TX friends have made living in a new place feel like home.

I'm thankful for my healthy body. I've learned that nothing else matters if you aren't well.

And I'm thankful for YOU, my five or so faithful blog readers. It's nice to know you care enough about my little life to read and comment. Muah!

Hello, my name is cuteness!

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Oink

It is done. My big kids have been flu misted.

With all the going back and forth and stress over which choice to make I must say that I feel nothing but relief. I tried to get my ped to give me a squirt as well but no dice. I've contacted my doctors and they don't have them and I have contacted the health department but they won't give me one. I am a little worried about getting the mist for myself since I am probably immunocompromised from my steroids but I will take the live mist if I can't find the deactivated shot version.

Kiddos are doing great! No wonky side effects like sprouting curly tails so that is a relief. I do feel a little guilty a out giving the big kids something that I feel is questionable to protect the little guy. I just cannot handle the thought of the pig flu ravaging his little 13 lb body because of the big kids bringing home the disease from school. He is so little and I made him and I want to keep him forever and ever amen.


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And pigs flew

Any one else have serious heebie jeebies with the h1n1 virus flying around in the air we breathe??? I am getting so paranoid because I am terrified that my sweet perfect tiny Baby G will get sick and die. I guess I can't put it any more bluntly than that.

It is making me a recluse. Today I went to my bible study and I got there early. I said good morning the woman who collects money from parents for childcare. I was trolling throght the internet on my iPhone (love this thing!) and I told her that I was looking for a place to get the shot because my Dr's office didn't have them. She responded with, "oh I know...just this morning my son woke up with a fever! I think he probably picked it up here yesterday during Sunday school."

In my head I screamed "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Get the fuck out of here Stella!!!!" but I politely said, "Awww, poor thing. I hope he feels better soon. Oh, I left something in my car...be right back." Then I picked up baby Griffin, walked to my truck and drove home. Sigh.

I miss being out in public but I can't even enjoy myself. It's like when I was a single girl in Rocky Point for Spring Break. My friends were having fun and looking for guys to hook up with. I on the other hand looked and the masses of horny college guys and thought "I wonder how many of them are going to spread their STD's tonight." It's kind of a bummer because right before I met Jeff, I decided that I wanted no more serious relationships and that I was entitled to a slutty phase while I was in college. Then a few days later I met Jeff. And he liked it so he put a ring on it ha ha! Long story short...no random hookups for me. Anyway I guess I have been a germaphobe for a long long time.

My big kids are getting their h1n1 shots tomorrow and I will try and get mine asap. I'm waiting for Walgreens to get their shipment in...hopefully this week. Then I will hopefully breastfeed some immunities into the baby!
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Happy Halloween!

I hope y'all have a spooktacukar time!

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Perspective

Kimberly has been having some issues lately. She's just not listening when Jeff and I give her instructions to do something. Like I tell her to brush her teeth, only to realize that she got sidetracked on the way to the bathroom and has spent the last 20 minutes making a fort in my bedroom with my comforter. Or when we are doing homework, she has these timed math worksheets where she has 2 minutes to complete a page of addition problems. I set the timer for her and go out of the room to change the baby. When I come back, she is staring out the window with a lollipop in her mouth and only 5 problems done on her page and the timer is buzzing. She forgets to bring her homework home. Then last night the child FORGOT TO EAT HER DINNER! Jeff ordered pizza so when we got home from soccer practice, it was just a free for all. We didn't sit at the table together. I personally sat in the recliner to nurse the baby and eat at the same time and the kids ran off into the dining room. I assumed that they um...ate while they were in said dining room. Instead Kimberly colored 2 pictures for Jeff to take to his office, and then 2 pics for me. She said they were presents. How cute! And thoughtful! What a dear sweet child.

After awhile we tucked in the kids. Ahhhh, silencio! Then Kim comes out crying and saying, "I didn't eat dinner yet!". Sure enough on the dining room table was her plate with 2 slices of uneaten pizza. To this I ask, 'what the fuck?'. How do you forget to eat? At dinner time? When the food is right in front of you? At the dining room table? I kind of flipped out. Just the culmination of all these flakey things she has been doing lately just pushed me over the edge. I sent her to bed without any dinner. I was just so done.

Then I started watching The Biggest Loser and one of the women on there was being drilled by Jillian (love that badass chick!). The woman was crying and talking about 'losing everything'. Jillian stopped her workout and asked her how she lost everything. The contestant then told the story about how she had a husband, a beautiful red headed 5 year old daughter and a little blonde haired blue eyed 9 month old baby boy. One day they dropped her off somewhere, she kissed them goodbye and then 5 miles down the road they were all killed in a car accident. My heart literally ached when I listened to this story and then it broke into a million pieces when I could hear Kimberly quietly crying in her room because her mean mother sent her to bed without dinner.

In the grand scheme of things, who gives a flying flip if my 7 year old is irresponsible. I know the only reason it drives me batty is because she is just like me. And I want her to be better than me and to not struggle because she inherited my awesome disorganization skills. I called Kim downstairs, warmed up her pizza and held her in my lap while she happily chewed with her mouth open. That's another thing that drives me nuts...the fact that she is completely unaware at how loud she is when she eats. Just like her father. But I just thanked God above and my lucky stars that in my arms I held this wonderfully annoying child. How lucky am I?

So not a techy girl...

...but I lurve my iPhone! It's amazing, holy cow it gives me butterflies because the things it can do seem endless. The most exciting thing so far is that there is an app for Pandora. Since the death of my computer, I don't have my mp3's anymore to put on my phone. With the app from pandora.com though, I can still have music while I run. How awesome is that? Not that I have much motivation to run, but you know what I mean. I can also plug my iPhone into this little plug in my Tahoe and listen to music from Pandora too. Seriously?????

The only problem now is that I can barely wrestle it away from the kids. Oh well. I don't even miss my laptop anymore.

Ice cream is too cold...soup's too hot

On Monday I did something I swore I would never do. I was late picking up Kennen from preschool. Not just late as in 'One of the last Mom's to show up', but late as in, 'THE last Mom to show up and pick up my scared and crying child from the office of the preschool director'.

Punctuality is not my strong suit. I don't mean to be rude, or insonsiderate or anything. I just have a very loose idea of how long it takes to get ready, pack up my purse, run around making sure lights are off and flatirons are unplugged and putting the dog outside. And since I live in a little suburban bubble, I think that everything takes 3 minutes to drive to. In reality it probably takes 15 minutes to get to Kennen's school with all those pesky red lights and school zones. Then throw a new baby into the mix that needs to be nursed NOW and well...my schedule got all fucked up and the preschool director was probably on the verge of contacting CPS for child abandonment.

I tried to make up for my lateness by zipping in and out of traffic but Murphy's Law dictated that I hit every.single.red.light. I got to the preschool and my heart sank. Usually there is a long carpool line of Mom's in their SUV's waiting to have their little darlings loaded into carseats by helpful teachers. When I pulled in though, there was not a single car in the parking lot, not a single teacher waiting outside. Damnit! I zoomed up to the double doors of the school and got out to go find my son. The preschool director saw me on the security camera and brought my crying middle child to me. I gushed an apology to her and picked up my 55 lb son. The last time I picked him up was in the early days of my pregnancy with Griffin but I just had to make him feel secure. Mommy fucked up and I wanted to make it right. He was a red faced snotty nosed mess but I somehow got him to laugh on the drive home. The rest of the night, I would joke around with him and say, "Who loves Kennen?" and he would point to me. Then I would say, "Who pickes up Kennen late from school?" then he would point to me again and laugh hysterically.

I think he forgave me. Well, I will tell you this. I will NEVER pick him up late again. How awful to be the last one picked up. Yesterday, I made up for it though. I had been out running errands with baby G all day long and instead of going home to feed him and risk being late again, I went to the preschool 45 minutes early and just nursed the baby in the parking lot. I was the very first car in the carpool line. Wow, I was on the ball today! Right when school was dismissed, I watched as a teacher brought Kennen out to my vehicle. And he was CRYING! We got him buckled in and I tried to calm him down and find out what horrible thing happened at school that made him so upset.

It took him a second but he finally sobbed, "I didn't want to be the first kid picked up!"

Seriously? Seriously. There's just no pleasing some people.

Been AWOL

My internet usage has been very limited these days. Well, to be more specific, my computer use has been very limited because my computer is broken. Damaged by liquid. My sugar schnookums passed out drunk with my laptop on his lap and well lets just say that the ELK chili and beer wasn't settling too well and before Jeff could gather his wits and run to the bathroom, he barfed all over my keyboard. Harry Potter is fried. Thank God that my harddrive was salvagable because all of my precious pictures are safely saved on an external harddrive.

After 7 years of marriage, all I can do is shake my head and think, WTF? I must be broken down because I wasn't even mad. Why get mad? Nope, no reason to freak out. I'm taking lemons and making lemonade. I'm getting a new laptop complete with Windows 7...woot woot! And I'm also using his guilt to buy a shiny new iPhone. Hee hee, I placed my order today and I cannot wait until I can Facebook from anywhere! Tee hee. I can write out blogs while I am waiting in the carpool line. And don't get me started on the apps!

Oh! Here is more lemonade that I brewed! I am not eligible for an equipment upgrade, so it was going to cost me $300, instead of $99. boo! But my neighbor Tara gave the the brilliant idea to just get a family plan and add an extra line...which makes me eligible for the $99 deal. My monthly bill is going to be the same, I have just as many minutes plus the data plan, and now I can be the coolest Mom ever and give Kimmy-girl my cell phone. Hmmm, she's only 7 though. Is 7 too young for a cell phone? Can I been the el-cheapo queen and wrap up my old phone and put it under the Christmas tree? It will cost me nothing, but Kimberly will feel like a lucky little girl on Christmas morning. I'll have to think about that one though.

kisses!

Important announcement!

GRIFFIN SMILED! Oh yes, it only took him 9 flippin weeks but my boy has joy in his heart and he's not afraid to show it!

Isn't that great news? yes yes it is. I will catch it on camera soon I hope! the bad news is that he was a little late...does this mean I am going to have another developmentally delayed child to fuss over? *sigh* I hope not.

So after my unsuccessful attempt at stepping down my prednisone, my doctor wants to put me on Immunosuppressants (mercaptopurine or 6-MP if you are curious). Im skurred. My GI doc said that it was okay to take while breastfeeding, but when I ran it by baby G's pediatrician, she suggested weaning him to formula. The immunosuppressants can cause delays in growth and development and that really freaks me out. See previous paragraph. I'm not ready to switch to formula yet either, so I am going to try stepping off my prednisone once more. But this time I am taking a teensy tiny step off my dose. I sent my GI doctor an email with my new 'plan'...lets hope she doesn't yell at me.

I am wooing a new friend. There is a Mom in Kennens preschool class that has a 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. We have matching kids! I have been emailing her and we are going to meet at McDonalds today for a playdate. Fun, right? She seems nice...lets hope it is a successful friend connection for she and I as well as the boys.

I gained 5 pounds. Oh shit.

9 weeks!

***I might have already posted this hospital story but I'm too lazy to go back and check. Sorry if I'm repeating myself, lol***

Baby G is 9 weeks today. At this very moment 9 weeks ago, I woke up in my hospital room...alone. No Jeff, no baby Griffin. And there was a 'code pink' being broadcasted through the hospital. That's code for, "missing baby". I was alarmed and wanted to make sure my son hadn't been kidnapped but I was trapped in my hospital bed. My legs were still numb from my epidural. I called Jeff's cell phone a few times and there was no answer. I called my nurse and asked her if she'd seen my husband and she said that he was walking around with his blue tooth in and it sounded like he was on a work call. I was so pissed! How dare he...work his ass off 24/7 and make lots of money so I can stay home and be with my babies. :D

Anyway, I called the nursery and confirmed that Griffin was safe and I asked one of the baby nurses to bring him to my room. A minute later, Jeff came in. He had some visitors from his work come over and look at Griffin through the nursery window and he had been chit chatting with them apparently and didn't hear his phone ring when I called. I was going off on him and he was taking my venom like a champ. Then I threw a brush at him and told him to get the fuck out of my room, and he left. About 20 minutes later I started to miss him to I called him and apologized and asked him to come back. And bring me something to eat. Yep, I'm crazy like that. Hormones are FUN! Good thing he loves me. :D

All I have to say is what a difference 9 weeks makes. Griffin is starting to get more and more interactive. I would even venture as far as to say that we 'played' this morning. Well, I tried really really hard to get him to smile at me, while he cooed and followed me with his eyes and sat like a big boy in his Bumbo chair.

Look at his bacon and eggs cloth diaper! How cute!
Me and my boy...and my moon face.

This picture is actually pretty embarassing but I think that his little face is friggin adorable so I'm posting it anyway. Look Ma! Matching double chins!
He was starting to get tired of sitting up and he was flexing every muscle in his little body to stay upright.
A little help from Mama. What a beautiful boy. :D

Sunday afternoon rambling

So I was going to start this blog post with a vent about my husband. He held the baby for the first time this weekend and gets totally grossed out because baby G barfed while he was napping and there was schmutzy milk curds in his neck rolls. Yeah...it's gross. But fucking wipe it up, mmmmmkay? Instead of just cleaning him up he huffs...and he puffs...and he tells me to give the baby a bath. I wash my little piglet every single night before I put him to bed and sorry but he's not getting more baths than that. Use a wet wipe. And don't insinuate that I take anything but excellent care of my baby. Or the big kids. Or YOU! Shithead.

But then he made me laugh and I watched him do some man work in the backyard with his shirt off so all is forgiven. And I'm not bitching about him. Not anymore anyway. :D

I've been buying lots of cloth diapers these days! I am seriously so addicted to trolling through etsy.com and hyenacart.com for awesome diapers made by work at home moms. My favorite is www.hyenacart.com/bagshotrowbamboo . Part of it is because her diapers are loaded up with layers of super absorbant bamboo fleece and fit Griffin's tiny butt perfectly. The other part is because she has created a frenzy. She stocks her store at 7:00pm Eastern time on Thursday nights and her diapers sell out within 3 minutes. The buyer with the fastest fingers wins! Over the last few weeks I have scored 8 new diapers...woot woot!

To fund my new shopping obsession, I've sold 12 of Griffins newborn fitted diapers. Can you believe that people actually buy used cloth diapers? I have bought one used diaper...but I can't bring myself to use it. I thought it wouldn't bother me, but it skeeves me out. I will stick to selling my used ones and buying brand new. It's a bummer though because it's a super cute expensive diaper that I got for a good deal. But at this point Griffin is just too shiny and new to put used diapers on him.

Oh! And I must brag about my first born son! Yesterday at soccer he scored not one...but TWO goals! I couldn't have been more proud. I was a shrieking, clapping, cheering, jumping up and down obnoxious crazy soccer Mom. I've never thought of Kennen as competitive but to see him out there trying so hard...playing with all his heart! After his first goal he ran over to me to high five me and Jeff and he said, "Someone needs to pay me a zillion dollars!" It was also an extra big moment around here because even though Kimberly has played for 2 seasons now...she's never scored a goal. She barely understands the rules. She's getting better but uh...I would categorize her as more of a daisy picker than a soccer player.

Well, Jeff has taken the big kids fishing. Baby Griffin is sleeping. What should I do now? I think I'm going to pour a glass of wine...

Got my hurrr did...

Chop chop! All my hair is gone! And it's my natural color to boot!

I'm Alive and Well.

Life is pretty good 'round here. I'm kind of fat though. hmph. I've been on steroids for almost a month now all I can say is...HOLY FAT ROLLS! Fat arms, fat ass, fat stomach, and a big fat head. I've not gained any weight, but I haven't lost anything either. And if you look up 'prednisone side effects' it says something about redistribution of fat in the face and stomach. And the back of the neck. When I went to my GI doc on Monday for a follow up, she gave me instructions on stepping down the dosage of my prednisone. I told her, "Oh thank God, prednisone is making me so fat!" (as I patted my belly). She responded with, "Yeah you definitely have gained weight in your face." Nice. I made her pinky swear that it wasn't permanent.

Here is the scary thing though. Since I started stepping down my steroid dosage, my friggin colon is acting up again. I think I'm going to have to choose between living with my new 'Moon Face' and belly or living with pain. The only way I can describe the pain is it feels like my ass is dry heaving.

In other news, I chopped off all my hair! I friggin love it. I feel like a new girl. I not only love the cut, but I love that all the 'old' is gone. I know it's just hair, but it's like I have gotten rid of all the bad stuff from the last year or so. That hair grew while I was sick and it just had to go. Am I weird?

I'm going to wrap up this post with a song I heard on the radio the other day. It's beautiful and haunting and hopeful and it kind of fits with me no longer feeling like every day is hard.

I'm Alive and Well

Facebook Meme

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose at least 8 people to be tagged. Don't forget to tag me!


1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? cheddar cheese!

2.Where was your profile picture taken? On my living room sofa

3. Can you play Guitar Hero? Yep...but I'm pretty rusty I'm sure.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Wendy

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? I think around 11:00pm feeding the baby and watching tv.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? The only other place I could see myself moving is back home to Arizona.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Um, maybe. Not that I can't remember.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Jeff lives with me and he is my best friend so...Jeff!

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? Sure!

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? It's pretty yummy but only if it is diet.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? When I was in the hospital I think.

12. Who took your profile picture? Kimberly

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? All 3 kids.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Yeah, I got a lot more done yesterday.

15. Can you live a day without TV? I don't watch tv until Jeff gets home from work usually. Oh wait...I gotta have cartoons for my kids though.

16. Are you upset about anything? yes

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Absolutely. What else matters in life but the people you love?

18. Are you a bad influence? Maybe ;D

19. Night out or night in? In

20. What items could you not go without during the day? I would feel lost without my cellphone!

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My neighbor when she had her baby.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? I'm getting my wisdom teeth out!

23. How do you feel about your life right now? Just trying to find my way...

24. Do you hate anyone? no. Well, I really don't like the people who speed down my residential street.

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find? Nothing naughty.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yep!

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Yes, Jeff says I'm perfect for him...does that count?

28. What song is stuck in your head? The Grand Old Duke of York!

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? My neighbor Mr. Clay looking for vodka.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? Yep, Kim will be 28, Kennen will be 25 and Griffin will be 21 so it's totally possible.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Nurse the baby, get the kids to school, clean my bedroom.

32. Do you think too much or too little? I don't think before I speak. But then I overanalyze it in my head. So...both!

33. Do you smile a lot? I used to. I think I have bitch face now.

Back in the swing of things

Baby Griffin is changing every day. He has gone from a pip-squeak newborn to a little chunk in about a week. Suddenly everything is bigger. He is getting deliciously chubby! I love changing his diapers because I get to inspect his baby bootie and the fat rolls on his thighs and his belly...ugh he's so sweet.

He still hasn't smiled! I am singing and shrinking like an idiot all day long in his face and he just looks at me like...I'm an idiot. Oh well. Sometime soon he will give in a crack a smile. I just want to make sure that he is on target with his development. Kennen was and still is behind and I would love to not have to do any type of therapy with baby G.

Despite not smiling, he is a happy guy. The first few days I came back from the hospital were a little hairy. He cried and cried. It's like he was all stressed out and he would go from peacefully sleeping to screaming in 2 seconds. It was like I came home to a different baby. I cried to Jeff about how Griffin and I had a broken bond and that I can tell baby G feels insecure in this world now. He just laughed and said I was hormonal. He is right because Griffin is back to cooing and grunting when he wants something instead of screaming bloody fucking murder. He just needed his Mama. Just as much as I needed him.

The big kids are doing great! They had soccer games on Saturday and I somehow managed the whole afternoon with 3 kids on a soccer field by myself. Jeff went on an overnight fishing trip Friday evening to Saturday afternoon. After the amazing job he did taking care of the kids while I was in the hospital, he definitely deserved a little R&R.

I do feel a little bad though because I was uber stressed on Friday evening after he had gone. I tried calling him a few times and he didn't answer. He finally called me back and told me he didn't have phone reception becasue he was on his friends buddy's boat. Boat? What boat? He never told me he was going out Bay fishing and I flipped my shit. He told me he was just fishing from the shore. I yelled at him...well I don't know why. I guess because I worry about him and I knew that the guy who owned the boat was one of those functional alcoholics. He is wasted morning noon and night and I'm sorry but I don't want my husband and father of my 3 kids to be in some drunk guys boat. Call me crazy. Anyway he had fun but he come home soooo butt hurt that I yelled at him. I guess I need to continue to work on my 'tone'. I don't mean to be mean, but I guess I am sometimes.

Now some pics!

I'm home

And not that I was in a deadly situation, but I feel like I have a new lease on life. I forgot what it feels like to not be in constant pain.

anyone want to do cartwheels with me?

Hola

Still here...sitting in the hospital...bored. bored. bored.

Bored however, is fabulous compared to exhausted and in excruciating pain. I really think that every Mom of a newborn should have a few restful days in the hospital.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Facebook is firewalled in the hospital and I feel completely cut off from the world! I have been doing a little more research on what I have and because my colon is flaming red from my tush to my cecum, I have Pancolitis. That is going to make is a longer road to recovery from what I've read. Oh what I have read! I feel pretty hopeless about ever getting better. It seems like I can get into remission but then my colon is a ticking time bomb waiting to flare up and make me bleed and pee out my ass for another 10 months straight. Sorry for the visual.

I'm on steriods and some other fun stuff. I'm scared of the steriods because they are going to make me fat. Great. Just what a woman who had a baby 5 weeks ago wants to hear. The baby. I miss him so much. I am pumping to try and keep up with my little piglet. He is getting lots of formula right now. Jeff says he has about 16oz while Griffin is away from me and I am only able to pump out 10-12 oz during that time. No biggie. We will have a nurse-a-thon tomorrow because I am going home tomorrow!!!

I am so excited to get out of here. I am doing much better. The medicines they are giving me are doing their job. Gosh do y'all really want to hear about my colon? Eh, I'm going to tell you anyway. I had diarrhea 12 times yesterday and only twice today. Twice is a fucking miracle with my body these day.

I've also officially decided that my body and health is more important than any future babies. Being pregnant with Griffin has put me through the ringer. Or is it wringer? Probably wringer. Now that I have pancolitis, there are new lifelong risks. Fun things like Colon Cancer and Toxic Megacolon. Awesome name. I put off treating myself because of the risk to Baby G. While he was peacefully swimming in his hot tub, this disease fucking ravaged my body. I just don't want to be in a position again someday where I am refusing treatment and letting it get this bad again.

Physically it has sucked, but it has also brought me down mentally. I wont say 'depressed'. I have too much anxiety to be depressed. Lets just say I feel like I've lost the bounce in my step. I've felt guilty and like I'm not doing enough and I wonder why I can't be a better wife, mother, friend etc. I feel like my 80 year old grandmother who used to always say, "I don't want to be a bother..." when everyone in the room knew that she was a huge pain in the ass. I don't want to be a bother. I want to kick ass at my life.

p.s. Look who hung out with Mama in the hospital bed all day?

News

I'm writing this post from my mini vacation in the hospital. Since I officially healed from having my baby last month, I officially was able to be sedated for a colonoscopy and I officially have Colitis. Well, hopefully it isn't Crones but I will have to wait for a biopsy to confirm ulcerative colitis.

I went to the ER a few days ago because I had severe pain. I have been having issues for 10 months now but it had never been this painful. Or maybe it was this painful but recently I have been too sleep deprived to keep trucking along. My ER trip got me a golden ticket to a colonoscopy. The last thing I remember was a nurse telling me to lay on my side and that she was going to get me some margarita medicine. The next thing I knew, the procedure was over and I was in recovery with my doctor telling me that I was here to stay.

Now I am hooked up to a line pumping me full of medicine. I am having a little medical emergency vacation. I must say that it is pretty restful. They bring me food every few hours and I lay around reading trashy magazines without a care in the world. Well, there is a care...my babies. I miss my kids so much. It is weird to not be the one caring for them. I never really thought about how Jeff must feel leaving for work every day and just having to trust that I will do a good job. The big kids can fend for themselves but oh my lord baby Griffin needs me. And I need him just as much. I'm reminding myself that I need to be here. Otherwise I'm going to cry and tear out my IV line and call a cab home.

There was another Dr. on call tonight from my doc's practice. It seems like he must be the patriarch of the practice. He is older and cocky and condescending. All of the traits that you hope for in a doctor. You want the asshole doctor. The asshole makes you feel safe with your body. And in my case, my asshole.

He went over the pictures from my procedure with me and I asked him, "So what exactly am I looking at here?" In his very awesome polish accent he waived his hand and said, "This is a disaster!" My own doctor actually told me that I wasn't far away from having parts of my colon removed. I could be one of those people with a hipsac of poo hanging outside of their body. That would be HOT at the pool next summer. I'm not officially out of the woods yet though, so I wont joke about the poop sac. I'm actually knocking on wood so that it wont become my reality. (knock knock).

Use it or lose it.

I am too tired for coherent thoughts these days, and I have so many blog posts that I have started but not finished. But today, I have decided that no matter what I am going to hit that damn, "Publish Post" button at the bottom.

Here is the randomness that is going on in my life and in my head.

Kennen started school yesterday! My big 4 year old boy is in big 4 year old preschool. I didn't realize until the end of the day that I didn't take that obligatory 'first day of school pic'. Do you think I can just have him put on his backpack this morning and take a picture anyway? That way when he looks at photo albums later, his little life will be properly documented! Yes! It's a plan...Kennen get your backpack on son! :D Also, as I was tucking him in I asked him about his day. He said, "It was great! I didn't even cry! I played with my buddies!" Yay! Just as they did when Kimberly was in the 4 year old class, they read the kids "The Kissing Hand". It's a story about a Raccoon that was scared to go to school, so the Mommy Raccoon kisses his hand and says that anytime he feels scared or if he misses her, he can put his hand to cheek to feel her love. So, I asked Kennen about the story and the little soul totally loses his resolve and crumbled into tears and buried his little sweaty head into my neck and cried, "I missed you! I love you so much!" Oh gawd. My post partum hormones can't handle this and I start crying. Ugh, that boy has my heart all twisted up. I pull it together and emphasize on all the fun things he gets to do at school and he cheers up. Me? I'm still a mess and I consider just clicking off the light and curling up with my 50lb blonde haired angel and having a little slumber party in his twin sized bed. But, there is an 8lb meatloaf in the house that is fussing downstairs and wondering when his next meal will be delivered. Fortunately Kennen saw me close my eyes and started laughing and shoving me out of his bed. He might love and miss his mother but this child does not cuddle. Another year and he probably wont let me hug him in public anymore.

Griffin is a dear sweet baby. A dear sweet hungry, needy, greedy, wants to be held all the time baby. I realized something. I am more tired now than when I was when I had all 3 kids home in the summer. Kimberly helps me so much...I didn't realize how much until she went back to school. Now when she gets off the school bus, she comes running up to me and takes baby G from my arms and goes into the house while I linger and chat with my friends. Yesterday I joked with my friends and said, "Yay! My nanny is here!" Only thing is that I wasn't joking.

Jeff is wonderful and helpful...unless it is the weekend. We went to a surprise birthday party for our neighbor that started at 11am. That means that Jeff started drinking at 11am. By 2pm I realized that I had 3 kids and a drunk husband. Then the more I bitched at him, the more he avoided me, and the more he drank, and the more I bitched at him etc. I ended up leaving him at the party with all 3 kids and walked home and took a bubble bath. (insert evil laugh). Then Monday and Tuesday he got the kids awake, fed, brushed and ready for school all by himself. He came home from work and mowed the grass yesterday. He did laundry. He changed diapers. He played soccer with Kennen. He helped tuck in kids. He brings me gallons of water, one cup at a time. Why can't I just leave him alone and let him be a big dumb animal with his friends at a party? It's not like he is out and away from me and the kids. He has a 'free bird' personality and I know I just need to let him be. He is good to me even when I am fat and cranky.

Okay, wow blogging this time was less painful than I thought. If anyone is still reading after all my ramblings...you rock! :D

Wow, that sucked.

Yesterday was a day of sheer exhaustion. I think i maybe got 3 hours of sleep the night before. Not 3 solid hours...but like 3 hours broken up into 20 minute increments. Holy hell I thought I was going to die. It wasn't even from the baby. Griffin is an excellent little person that sleeps from 10pm until 4am. That is more than enough time for me to feel human enough to function and raise my boys. Hee hee, my BOYS! I have a set of boys, thatissocool! Okay, anyway.

So if it wasn't baby Griffin keeping me up all night, then I bet you are wondering what did keep me up all night. Um, lets just say that I am having an evil flare up of my ulcerative colitis. EVIL! I lost 4 lbs that night. I wondered if this would be the way I would die. What a shitty way to die. Heh. get it?

I lived through the night and somehow limped through the next day alone with Kennen and baby Griffin. Thankfully I have a dear sweet baby that doesn't really cry. He just kind of grunts.

Crying + No sleep = Mommy's nervous breakdown.

And thankfully I have Jeff. Last night I went to bed super early while he took care of everything...he fed the kids, did homework with Kim and tucked in both kids. Even when I woke up this morning I saw that he did things like got Kimberly's backpack ready and cleaned up the kitchen. It *almost* makes me consider post partum sex. Almost.

Now I'm off to do something productive since i no longer feel like a zombie.

First day of school...for the third time!

Yep today Kimberly started 2nd grade. It was totally uneventful. I mean, i was super excited and she was happy but it really went off without a hitch! She pretty much got herself ready, and bounced out the door no problem. There was no apprehension, no tears or anything. It was just like another school day around here.

I gotta say, i really missed her. She is so helpful with both of her little brothers. She entertains Kennen, she holds Griffin, she makes snacks for everyone (me included), she helps Kennen find matching clothes. She's such a special girl. I think back to when I was first pregnant with her. It was not what I wanted. But now I thank God that she's mine. What would I do without her? My angel Kimmy-girl.

(I have pics to post, but right now I have a baby sleeping on my chest and he smells really good. I'll just have to find my camera and upload my pics sometime soon!)

snip snip

Jeff better hurry up and get his vasectomy because I already want another baby...

thats all I have to say right now. :D

The peanut...

...is still a peanut! He weighs 8lbs 1oz and is 21 inches long. He's so tiny! He is still smaller at 2 weeks old than the other two kids were when they were born.

And he got his first shot! Hepatitis B...just in case he starts to hang out with hookers or iv drug users.

I'm too lazy to post a picture right now, but I will show some pics of his cloth diaper butt pretty soon. I need to eat really quick and then take Kim to her school for meet the teacher night. Bye!

Changes

I'm not digging my postpartum body, but I have to remind myself that getting back to normal takes time. I just feel kind of deflated and deformed. And empty. I'm thrilled that I'm not pregnant anymore but wow...to go from a hard round body to a squishy deflated pile of goo is...an experience. Not really good. Not really bad. Just different.

My 16 year old neighbor took pregnant pics of me 2 days before Griffin was born so check out the before and after:


11 days later.
I don't like the number on the scale and i don't like the cellulite. Or the doughy tummy. Kimberly still pats my belly and tells me how squishy it is. In an effort to keep her innocent as far as body image goes, I just matter of factly agree and don't tell her how flipping rude she is. She's not trying to be mean, and most importantly I want her to to always be accepting of herself. So, I am accepting of myself in the hopes of leading by example. Oh! And my hips are so wide! Apparently they spread when you push a baby through your pelvis...imagine that! I'm having leg, knee and ankle pain because of it. It happened with my other kiddos but I don't remember how long it took to have everything aligned where it is supposed to be. But omg I just want to heal so I can run again. I just feel weak and wobbly still. I'm trying to be patient.

Griffin is doing great! He is the sweetest thing and I will update after his pediatrician appointment. I can't wait to see how big he has gotten!

This morning

Kennen is a vampire bat boy (notice the slicked over hair and the bat wing blanket?) and he is running laps around the house.
Griffin is back in the fort with Kimberly

And I'm out of toilet paper. You know what that means? A trip to the grocery store with 3 kids.

2nd Mommy

Griffin has 2 Mommies. One is 30, and the other is 7. It's great because my hands are free to do other things like cleaning and showering. It's annoying because Kimberly walks around with tears in her eyes giving me stony looks because I do things like feed my baby and change his diaper without her. Today I waved a white flag and pumped out a bottle of breast milk and let Kimberly have some one on one time with her new brother.

She loves him:
And she is finally smiling:

Later she made a fort:
And she even made a space for a very special guest...
Her new baby brother!

I did it!

Jeff found out that his his work truck is finally ready to be picked up! His current truck has like 115,000 miles on it and we have been waiting patiently since JANUARY for him to get the new truck. I'm not sure what the hold up was but you would think that a dealership would be able to rustle up a truck that is a sure sale in this crappy economy...but whatevs.

Anyway, I had to drive Jeff to work this morning. I somehow managed to get up, get coffee, nurse the baby, change his diaper and clothes, get 2 more kids awake, dressed, teeth and hair brushed by 7:30am. I did it all without my head exploding! It was kind of fun to drive in rush hour and listen to the local morning show on the radio too while sipping my coffee. It was a flashback to another life before I became a Mom.

The kids are adjusting pretty well. Kennen is absolutely fine so far. Same old sweet little buddy boy. Kimberly though, as always, is dramatic. She gets mad at me if she doesn't get to hold Griffin enough. She whines, begs, and complains when I tell her to leave him alone while he is sleeping in his cradle. I am nursing him and honestly, it's fucking excruciating every time he latches on. Every time I feed him, she hovers around and asks me why I don't just let her feed him a bottle. Yesterday she even said, "You are only nursing him because you want to be the only one that holds him!" Wow. All I can say to that is, W.T.F!!!!!!!!

Even with 3 kids, I am still encountering new experiences. My nipples are pretty torn up and sore and when Griffin spits up, it is tinged with my blood! It's no fun when you are home from the hospital for an hour and your baby is puking bloody milk. Talk about a frantic call to the pediatrician! He's a vampire baby apparently.

Speaking of vampires...do any of you watch True Blood on HBO????? OMG that is the best show I think I have ever seen. For those of you that watch it...what the hell is that She-devil-God-bull thing with claws.

Okay I gotta go. Kimberly just punched Kennen in the throat. I gotta say, I didn't expect the 7 year old to be the one acting out with a new sibling in the house.

First two days home

OMG I have 3 kids!
I'm a little tired...

I've been busy snuggling,
Griffin has been getting to know the family,
We are trying to figure out who this baby looks like. Honestly all I can say is that he is a mix between Kimberly and Kennen as babies. Imagine that!

Grandma likes him a little bit...Griffin doesn't like the camera flash...look at that pitiful little face!

The good news is that he is nursing like a champ and he's already getting chubby cheeks!
He looks like a baby Kimmy right here...
And a baby Kennen right here...

As for the big kids, they are taking advantage that Daddy is the best jungle gym...



And he is the ultimate champion at staring contests..


I've learned that Kimberly is a baby hog. Big time. It gets to the point that I start to miss little Griffin because she is ALWAYS holding him. She is such a great helper though.

At first I was nervous because she kept picking him up and walking around with him, but she is so careful. She has only made his little head flop forward once. :D


I love my little Griffin so much! It seems just surreal that a year ago, Jeff and I hadn't decided one way or another on a third baby. Now he has only been here breathing on this Earth for 4 days and I feel like the world wouldn't be the same without him. I am so grateful.