Hola

Still here...sitting in the hospital...bored. bored. bored.

Bored however, is fabulous compared to exhausted and in excruciating pain. I really think that every Mom of a newborn should have a few restful days in the hospital.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Facebook is firewalled in the hospital and I feel completely cut off from the world! I have been doing a little more research on what I have and because my colon is flaming red from my tush to my cecum, I have Pancolitis. That is going to make is a longer road to recovery from what I've read. Oh what I have read! I feel pretty hopeless about ever getting better. It seems like I can get into remission but then my colon is a ticking time bomb waiting to flare up and make me bleed and pee out my ass for another 10 months straight. Sorry for the visual.

I'm on steriods and some other fun stuff. I'm scared of the steriods because they are going to make me fat. Great. Just what a woman who had a baby 5 weeks ago wants to hear. The baby. I miss him so much. I am pumping to try and keep up with my little piglet. He is getting lots of formula right now. Jeff says he has about 16oz while Griffin is away from me and I am only able to pump out 10-12 oz during that time. No biggie. We will have a nurse-a-thon tomorrow because I am going home tomorrow!!!

I am so excited to get out of here. I am doing much better. The medicines they are giving me are doing their job. Gosh do y'all really want to hear about my colon? Eh, I'm going to tell you anyway. I had diarrhea 12 times yesterday and only twice today. Twice is a fucking miracle with my body these day.

I've also officially decided that my body and health is more important than any future babies. Being pregnant with Griffin has put me through the ringer. Or is it wringer? Probably wringer. Now that I have pancolitis, there are new lifelong risks. Fun things like Colon Cancer and Toxic Megacolon. Awesome name. I put off treating myself because of the risk to Baby G. While he was peacefully swimming in his hot tub, this disease fucking ravaged my body. I just don't want to be in a position again someday where I am refusing treatment and letting it get this bad again.

Physically it has sucked, but it has also brought me down mentally. I wont say 'depressed'. I have too much anxiety to be depressed. Lets just say I feel like I've lost the bounce in my step. I've felt guilty and like I'm not doing enough and I wonder why I can't be a better wife, mother, friend etc. I feel like my 80 year old grandmother who used to always say, "I don't want to be a bother..." when everyone in the room knew that she was a huge pain in the ass. I don't want to be a bother. I want to kick ass at my life.

p.s. Look who hung out with Mama in the hospital bed all day?