heartbreaking

Since I am a myspace junkie I have seen the bulletin about a baby boy named Kaleb that is hospitalized from shaken baby syndrome. You can check out his mommy's website at:

http://www.myspace.com/kristyreynolds

It turns my stomach that an adult can do such a terrible thing to a sweet little baby. Something horrible happening to my children is my greatest fear. I am thankful that I am able to be a stay at home mom, and that when I did work I was leaving Kimberly with grandma and grandpa. I am especially grateful that I was able to always be with Kennen because he has that cry...the one that can break glass. And he cries so much over the smallest thing. He is the child that pushes you to your breaking point. He's my sweet son so I can handle all that he dishes out, but I can't imagine a stranger trying to console him because frankly...he can be pretty fucking inconsolable. I still wont leave him with anyone except for some close friends and of course grandma and grandpa because I'm afraid that he will be abused.

But what if I had to? What if it was my first baby and I didn't want him to be neglected at daycare where there are 15 other babies in the classroom so I chose home day care? And I met the woman and she lived in a nice neighborhood, she already had children of her own and I felt like she would embrace my child just like it was family. That would be my preferance if I had to work. That is what Kristy chose and now her son is so hurt. My heart aches for that mother. You have so much hope for your firstborn and for someone to steal your future and the future of your child because they 'lost it'. Seriously fucking lost it. I also feel bad for the abusers children. I'm sure she would never hurt her kiddos because once again, the love you feel for your own is deeper than the sea and 'something' keeps you in check when you are frusterated. But then you must bring a crying little interloper into your house for extra money and you make the biggest mistake. I don't feel bad for the child care provider but she is going to go to jail and her 3 kids are going to be motherless. So much pain from one moment of selfishness.

Ugh. Plus for me it is hard to think about because Kaleb is a boy (and y'all know how I love those baby boys!), and he has blue eyes (now vacant because they think he is blind), and a bald head. All those things together remind me of my baby boy.

I will feel like a hypocrite if I say, 'pray for Kaleb' because me and G-d are still working out the terms of our relationship and I don't want to do him the disservice of only begging for mercy when it suits me, but please pray for him if you do that sort of thing. There is also a paypal button for donations so I will probably send what I can to that as well.

Tonight I was reading a bearnstein bears book to Kennen and even though the B bears are the kindest looking bears possible, Kennen still pointed to each bear and roared and growled and clawed and gnashed his teeth. Because he is a boy and that is the perspective that boys have. And I think that is absolutely adorable.