For the first time in a long time I want to go 'home'. I lived in Arizona for the first 23 years of my life and there was always something comforting to me about being an Arizona native. Or just a native to anywhere. I knew the street map of Phoenix like the back of my hand. I knew every backstreet shortcut through the Indian reservations. The weather was always beautiful. Except for the hell that they call 'summer'. I can make friends wherever I go apparently, but all of the friends that know 'me' and all of my history, live in Arizona. The girls that have known me through every phase and every boyfriend. Even to this day if I go for any long period of time without talking to them, as soon as we get on the phone, it's like no time has passed at all.
I miss my family too. My brother and his wife just had their first daughter and I want to spoil her. My cousin Ashley has her 3 boys and she moved back to Arizona about a year ago. I have visions of us sitting around with our herd of kids running around. We've never really had the chance to do the mom thing together. The last time we saw each other often was when we were teenagers. I would love to share this phase of our lives together. Of course my Mom. I miss her. She is my soft place to fall and she has an infinite trove of wisdom to share with me. Plus she knows where all the good yard sales are. I don't get a chance to miss my in laws because they are here in Texas every 6 weeks or so. But I do miss the free babysitting and the opprotunity to have an actual job. A real job where I put on makeup and cute clothes every morning and go and talk to adults.
I'm not really sure where all of this is coming from. I'm so happy in Texas and for a long time I felt like we found the best place for our family. And we have. Great house for a great price, Exemplary schools, perfect neighbors. I'm just starting to feel like a caged animal. The thing that is really sad is that when I go back there, it is never the same. I don't have a home there. I am just a visitor. I need to focus on the life I have here because no matter how hard I wish, things will never be as I've left them.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Homesick
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5 comments:
Stella, I could have written this blog myself. Seriously. You know me, I'm a native, well, I WAS a native to Arizona. It was home. My parents live there, most of my cousins, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, and massive amounts of old friends that I don't much talk to anymore.
Everytime I go back there (which hasn't been in nearly a year), it never does feel the same. Even as I drive by my old house that I bought and lived in with Landen for so many years, and put up our own Christmas lights and mowed our yard together and put out the winter lawn together every year, walked to get the mail every evening, played together outside, etc... never looks the same when I drive by. The new owners haven't kept the grass as green and the bushes are way overgrown. They lost the pride I had in "my" home.
I even went so far as to ask the people who bought the house from me (it's since sold twice afterwards) to sell me the house back. Unfortunately, they wanted 100k MORE than I sold it to them for. That was during the "seller's market" in AZ...
I miss my old neighbors, the fun ones, the weird ones, the sweet ones, the temporary ones (rentals)...
Sometimes I think I miss my old life. Do I though? I remember the sleepless nights where I'd lay in bed wondering who would find me if I died in my sleep. Who would take care of my son? What if nobody realized I had died and here's this 2 year old fending for himself in our house eating ketchup and drinking tap water... Every sound I'd hear I'd think someone was trying to break in.
I go back to AZ now and nothing feels the same. It's no longer home. I'm in love with the memory, and that's where I had to realize it ended.
My parents are still there and more than anything I wish I could do Sunday dinner's with them. I wish I could drive over to their house and let them play with the kids while I take a nap... I want to go shopping with my mom and eat lunch together and do the things mom's do with their daughters.
I did consider going back by myself (with the kids) and when Thong and I were going thru a tough time last year, I did go back for 2 weeks, although my intent was to stay there and plant roots there again. I got an AZ Driver's License, registered to vote, opened a bank account, etc. I was seriously going to go back.
I was with my parents and realized that as miserable as I had been in Texas, away from "life" in AZ, I was more miserable without Thong. AZ will always have part of my heart, but I'm learning to love it here because this is where we're making new memories, and expanding our family.
Thong had promised me that we'd move to AZ after 2 years of being married after our brother in law retired so he and Thong's sister could move with us to help take care of their parents, but after I got pregnant with Noah, he changed his mind and said it would set him back financially 5-10 years to have to set up a practice or get in with another doctor and then to get credentialed with all the insurance companies in AZ, get licensed to practice in AZ, etc... so needless to say I was pretty upset and it took me going back, thinking I was going to stay, to realize that I was lost without him. I had the opportunity to come back to AZ and stay there, and when I finally had the freedom to make that choice, I just couldn't do it.
I will always miss Mattas, Neo Tokyo, Pita Jungle and who knows how many other places, but Texas is now home. Maybe someday we can move, but for now, this is it.
You need a hug and at least maybe Jeff can put in for a job transfer. He seems to listen to you and take your feelings into consideration without saying "We can't go and that's that.".... which is more of what I hear (but much nicer, although that's the point of what I'm told)... so you have that as an advantage I don't have. I think Jeff wants to see you happy and if moving back to AZ makes you happy, I'd be willing to wager that he'd at least consider it highly.
LOL, Jeff does not grant my every whim! Well, who knows...if I got miserable enough maybe he would consider it.
The thing that would keep me from realistically wanting to move is my house. I would be living in a hovel compared to this for the same price. The housing market in PHX is out of control. I know it's on a decline, but still. A good paying job in Texas will afford you a great house and lifestyle. It's not the same in AZ.
I think I just need a nice long visit. I will be going out there before the end of the year.
Wow before the end of the year is coming soon!!! Tell me when you go (Are you flying or driving?) so I can have you bring me back a bean burro from Mattas or maybe some sweet and sour chicken from Neo Tokyo.... well, scratch that, I'd get food poisoning by the time you got thru security, sat on a 2-3 hour flight, etc. Damn.
I know what you mean though about the housing market, etc. I told Thong at one point that I'd even be willing to go back to work (at my peon secretary jobs) to support us and we could live in an apartment and he could be a stay at home dad if he agreed to move back to AZ. LOL Obviously that didn't happen.
I agree, though, that the housing market here is way better than there, even though our taxes suck here. LOL. I remember my taxes PER YEAR were 1300 dollars in Gilbert and they're dang near that per month here. Okay, slightly less than that, but nonetheless. In Arizona, that was considered HIGH. My measely 1300 a year.
Stella,
It seems to hard to leave your roots but I give everyone who did do it so much credit. Besides the 4 years I left to go away to college, I am still in the same place.
I feel like I lost my opportunity to go and live someplace else because now that I am ready to finally settle down, I want to be near my family.
But you seem to have a wonderful husband and family and you seem happy! Thats what is most important.
Congrats on being an aunt from your side of the family, how exciting for you! Probably you miss AZ right now becuase of your new little niece and it's been awhile since you been here. But, i bet after a few days of being here you'll miss your home (texas - a wonderful state to raise great kids). Miss you!
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