Fever induced ramblings...

Damn it, I'm sick! Fever, chills, body ache...please send me to the infirmary. Tell the nanny I'll be home in a week. :)



I can't sleep but if I pad around my house at 3:00am I get totally winded and achy and tired. The kiddos woke me up bright and early for their breakfast. It's a good thing that G-d make kids really cute...especially in the morning with their bed hed. Well, Kennen was butt naked (He strips down every morning...I think to thoroughly enjoy my high tread count sheets) and had bed head but Kimberly was dressed, hair brushed, headband in her hair with a boa around her neck. Did I mention that I love the age 5? She is so self sufficient. Last night when I had my sick girl insomnia I crawled into bed with Kim and just held her. When she's sleeping she looks just like the baby I brought home from the hospital. While I was looking at her I remembered when I had that 'rush of love' that happens when you become a parent. It wasn't until she was about 10 days old. I had just fed her and she way laying on my pillow just looking around and blinking with her impossibly long eyelashes and smacking her little lips. Then she cooed at me and I died and came back to life. The love for my child hit me like a freight train. It happened with Kennen too, but it was less profound because I expected it, but it didn't happen with him until about 4 months or so. Up until that time I cannot explain how tired I was and I had been just going through the motions of sustaining his little life and doing what a good mom should. He was a miserable baby. One day though I was holding this big fat hulk of a man child and the freight train came crashing through my heart. It was a little different though. It was a protective love because even as a baby, I knew that I was pretty much the only one that he wanted and that I was the only one that really loved him the way he deserved. He just cried and cried and mutha-fuckin' CRIED. Everone passed him back to me. Except my Mother in Law, G-d love her. She didn't cringe at the crying until he became hysterical. Then I would take him and feed him and he would arch his back and scream and shake his little red face back and forth looking for food. When he finally calmed down and latched on, he would bite me. I learned not to react because if I jumped or gasped he would just tremble and cry. He has always tried to be a good boy, but he has always missed the mark just by an inch. And when he fails he has guilt, I swear. It's been interesting being his mother.



Whew! Back to being sick. I'm fucking cold! I've been hanging out with the blowdryer because I just can't get rid of my chills. I'm so glad I cleaned yesterday. Except for a bunch of toys the kids dragged down this morning, my house is clean and I can lay on the sofa with my iPod and knit guilt free! Peace out yo!