I have a question....

Why is it that I miss Jeff when he is at work. I miss him when he is fishing. I miss him when he is traveling for work. But when he tells me that he is working from home, I cringe? Maybe because in between work calls and emails, he is laying on the sofa eating Halloween candy and watching Maury. This means the kids lay on the sofa and watch Maury while eating Halloween candy too. If I am doing the dishes, he turns the tv volume up to like 50 so he can hear who the babydaddy is. I hate the tv. I had to go on a 3 mile jog/walk yesterday just to get out of the house and away from the family of sloths sitting in the living room.

But today is a new day. He has a quick business trip later this afternoon so he has time to mow the lawn. Yard work makes me hot. Do you hear that baby? Yard work makes me HOT!

The kids have been playing beautifully with each other lately. When I see them running around the back yard together being sweet and having fun, my heart wants to explode with joy. I am blessed. So far Kimberly has managed to keep her pink eyes (yes she has it in both eyes) to herself. She's looking better this morning. I really hope that she is all clear tomorrow so she can go back to school. Although I must admit that I like having her around. I miss her a lot while she is at school...she's gone from 8am to 4pm! Well, I'm off to bake some overpriced cookie dough from Kimberly cookie drive from a few weeks ago. Laterz!

Pink is the new Eye!

Yessiree my daughter has pink eye. It's super fun! She said that her eye started hurting after she and her friend were bobbing for apples in the cooler yesterday. WTF?

I was like, "You mean the cooler that Daddy uses to go fishing in?" The one riddled with bacteria and fish guts? Yep, that's the one!

I checked out WebMD and I am pretty sure she has bacterial conjunctivitis and not viral. She has lots of goopy goo coming out of here eye. Whenever her eyes get too clouded she runs over to me flapping her little hands in the air crying, "I can't stand it anymore!" Awww, she gets hysterical just like me! :)

I did a late night run to Walmart tonight to buy her some Similisan pink eye relief drops. Right next to the eye drops were adhesive eye patches! LOL, hellz yeah! Kimberly thinks they are super cool, plus I'm hoping that it will keep her from touching her eye and spreading it to her brother (or her mother). Kim had one on and was looking in the mirror and happily exclaiming, "I look ridiculous!"

I guess this means that she can't go to school tomorrow. Oh, and I don't care if the school tells me she needs a doctors note to come back to class in the next few days. I spent the rest of the money in our health savings account on contacts for myself (selfish I know) so the school can bite me on that one. I think I better just tell the school that she has a fever. Or I will tell them that she had a fever last night and I'm keeping her home per the 'no fever for 24 hours' rule. So much for perfect attendance!

Ho hum...in other news I dyed my hair today. I don't think I've mentioned it before but I've been dying my own hair for awhile now. I really don't know what I'm doing, but the $20 I spend at Sally's sure beats the $200 I would spend at a salon. All summer long I was doing #10 blonde with 40 developer to lift my hair to super duper blonde. Now I've switched to #8 neutral blonde with a 20 developer to deposit some color and I'm pretty happy with the results. $20 happy anyway. I wish I knew how to do hilights by myself, but I am pretty sure that I'm going to teach myself how to do it sometime soon. I've seen and felt my hair get hilighted for the last decade or so I'm sure I can figure it out. It's just hair. If I fuck it up I can just shave it like Britney.

I love this weather!

OMG this is such a beautiful day! All of the doors and windows are open and the air is cool, dry and crisp...ahhhhh. No more humidity!

It is the perfect weather for doing laundry and cleaning. I have memories of my Mom opening all the windows and doors and letting the fresh air blow through while she folded laundry. It makes me want to clean. Hey whatever works!

So today I am tackling my laundry monster. And in between loads I'm going to clean my floors. My wood really really really needs to be mopped and my carpet needs to be vacuumed. I wonder if I will find long lost winter clothes in my laundry monster? Since my clothes shopping trip was a bust yesterday, I'm hoping to unearth some cute outfits from last year. Oh, and did you know what this weather change also means? Christmas is coming! Teehee! I was at Pottery Barn yesterday and they the the.most.beautiful.yet.overpriced.tree.ornaments. I am going to show restraint and not shop for Christmas decorations until after Thanksgiving. But after that? I'm going to go buck wild. :D Oh, and bring on the Christmas carols.

I went on my monthly voyage

...to the mall today to pay my Macy's bill. I always go in person because I'm a stay at home mom and I dunno...I'm sick of sitting around eating bonbons. Since 'winter' blew in last week I have realized that i have no long sleeved shirts.

I have known for awhile now that I'm too old for the jr's section. I don't have a career so I am to casual for all of the nice dress clothes. Not petite...not plus sized. Where is the 'stay at home mom chic' section? Oh, I know where it is...it's at effin' Target. I'm so sick of buying my clothes there. Their clothes are cute and don't fall apart when you wash them, but when I'm there every other day and the cashier recognized my shirt as something they were selling last month, it get a little uncomfortable. Oh, and I have one quesiong. When did matertity tops become cool? Every top that I considered trying on was the type of top that you tie in the back. I have put in plenty of time in maternity clothes. I refuse to go back. If I was pregnant this season, i would be in heaven. There are soooo many cute maternity tops in the regular clothing sections all over the mall. But I'm past that stage...and I want to dress accordingly.

So instead of clothes, I bought eyemakeup remover. Oh! And they have made the best invention for Clinique eye makeup remover! Child proof tops! What a great idea! I can't tell you how many times my kids have dumped my expensive toiletries down the sink. Ha! Take that you little ankle biters!

Okay y'all, it's Friday and Mama needs to make a run to the liquor store. Peace.

Sick day and more

I got a call from the school nurse yesterday that Kimberly was crying hysterically in the nurses office that she had a headache. She was refusing to let the nurse take her temperature and was completely inconsolable, so I had to go and pick her up. I went and got her and she did feel warm to the touch and she was crying and holding her head. :*( poor love! She said she was freezing, so I took her home, gave her tylenol and tucked her in. Then it hit me! The school nurse probably thought that Kim had been sick this morning and I had given her tylenol to mask her fever and at 2:30 (6 hours into school) the medicine wore off. Oh well. I decided to keep her home today just in case her fever flared up again. She is totally fine now though. After that first dose, her fever broke and now she is my healthy girl again.

My painting is finished and I have hung it up in my house. :) It makes me really happy to have something so special from my Dad hanging in my house. Here have a look!
I hung it over my front door. I didn't have an extension ladder, so I moved my dining room table over to the entryway and put a ladder on top of the table. At first Jeff yelled at me for my lack of 'safety' (He's a Health, Safety, & Enviornmental Manager), but then when I didn't stop, he took pity on me and handed me the painting from the stairs. I love this picture because it's of me. And I love this picture because it reminds me of another little girl...
Here is a token picture of Kennen...because you can never have enough Kenny pics! (don't mind my messy bedroom!)
And of course Hannah Shazama Banana Hotlanta Montana

brrrrr

OMG I forgot how much I hate being cold. I can handle a Texas summer with no a/c in my car, but this cold front is making me miserable. I'm too cold to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball and cuddle with my boy. So that's what I've been doing today, :).

So I might be able to swing a trip to Arizona, but now I'm getting cold feet. My in-laws are not going to be at home in AZ so now I'm not sure if I want to come. Jeff will not be able to come with me and the only other people in the world that help me with the kids are my in-laws. This means that even if I go out there I will have my kids 24/7 in a non-childproofed house without any help. No thank you. I tried to talk to my Mom to feel out exactly how 'grandmotherly' she will be this trip, hinting that I am intimidated by the thought of coming out there with no help. She basically said, yes traveling with kids is hard and if you think you are going to be miserable, then maybe you should stay home. I definitely didn't hear, "Yes I would love it if you went galavanting off with your friends while I watch your kids." My in-laws have spoiled me big time. They always take over when they visit. They actually prefer to babysit when I'm not there because then they don't have to adhere to all of my pesky rules, like no M&M's for lunch and no backtalk and bedtime at 8:30.

I can't really blame my Mom. I do understand where she is coming from. Single mom, works full time and has her whole life. She wants to see me and the kids, but she doesn't want to watch them for me. I'm not bitter. I've learned to know what to expect from her. It still sucks though because I really miss AZ. I need In and Out burger and a carne asada burrito. To see the brown dusty desert surrounding the polluted skyline of the valley of the sun while my plane lands makes me want to weep with joy. I want to go home.

I just have a feeling that it's going to be a huge expense and a huge headache. I just need to go. What do you think? Should I stay or should I go?

Minime

I have both kids in the tub right now. I put them each in their own bathroom because bathtime is faster that way, and I have Desperate Housewives starting in 25 minutes. I went into Kennens bathroom and got him in the tub and shampooed his hair, then I went down the hall and checked on Kimberlys progress. She was in the tub but didn't even have her hair wet yet, so I dumped a cup of water on her head. I poured shampoo into my hand and went to go scrub her hair and she said, "Wait Mommy, can I do that?" I ignored her and kept scrubbing and she said, "Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?"

Hahahaha! That is exactly what I say to her when I am being mean Mommy and she is not listening to me! I'm going to have to write that in her baby book. Oh wait, I haven't written in her baby book in 3 years, so I guess my blog will do!

She is a mini-Stella. I am so proud!

Saturday Afternooon

Yesterday we went to the pumpkin festival in our neighborhood. It was about a mile from our houses so we packed up the kiddos and walked. The weather was great and the kids had a lot of fun. It was sweet to see the magic in their little eyes as they stood in line to play carnival games and win candy. Let me tell you, the magic for me is gone. I guess I'm getting old but mostly I was hot, and paranoid that they were going to get kidnapped. Here is a quick photo recap of our day:

My little punkins with their new punkins:

Kimberly being the mighty winds to this little sail boat (yes she got candy for her efforts)

It's hard teaching littles to wait in line (for 15 minutes) to wait for their turn to pet the animals

OMG! We're in Texas now, y'all!

Walking the mile home.

Shhhhhh...Mommy has a headache!

So, I have ditched the atkins diet for the time being. It was super effective in that I lost 4 lbs in one week, but it is really hard for me. It did jump start my weight loss and I'm down a total of 7 lbs. Part of my success is using splenda instead of sugar, and making sure I feel truely hungry before I put anything in my mouth and eating small portions. The main part is that I'm not having a middle of the week beer or late night glass of wine. I'm saving all my alcohol consumption for Friday nights, and OMG did I catch up last night.

I had 4 Hoegaarten beers(recommended by the guy with the beard at my local liquor warehouse) and then a cosmopolitan. Bad idea. I woke up in the middle of the night ready to puke. Fun fun. I guess the rule, "Beer before liquor, never sicker," is true because Patty also had a midnight puke party. Can you believe that we are active PTA volunteers?

This morning was terrible. Thank goodness that Jeff took Kimberly fishing and thank goodness that Kennen will actually watch tv now. Yes I have a babysitter named TV and I'm not ashamed. Jeff came home and took one look at the pitiful look on my face and told me that I need to sweat it off. Great idea! I put on my sneakers and got my iPod and was out the door. By the look on his face, I don't think that is what he had in mind when he mentioned 'sweating' but you know what? 30 minutes later I was home, my hangover was gone and I was ready to be a functioning member of this family. We are going to the pumpkin patch later so i will post pics sometime soon!

Have a happy Saturday!

I've got friends in low places

Yep, when I'm feeling sorry for myself, I am lucky enough to have friends to lift my spirits. Look what I found in my inbox from my friend Laura?

Can you believe that this rugged scene pulls on my heart and makes me want to dive into a jumping cactus? This reminds me of the hundreds of trips I took to Saguaro and Canyon lake, or up to my grandparents nut farm (pistachios, not crazy people) in Wikieup. Or the drive from Phoenix to Flagstaff before you entered the forest. Arizona really is an amazing state. It's known for the dry cactus filled deserts, but drive a few hours north and you can hike in the red rocks of Sedona or go trout fishing in the creeks. Drive another hour north and you are in a thick ponderosa pine forest. You can go skiing in the winter since the top of the mountain is around 10,000ft. It's amazing! I remember my last free as a bird spring break before I was married and pregnant. I woke up in the morning on the beach in Mexico and by the time we drove home that night, we were going 30 mph with no visibility up twisting mountain roads because there was almost zero visibility due to the crazy snow storm. Oh, and we didn't have snow tires. Fun fun.

I saw some ruby red slippers yesterday while I was halloween shopping. Do you think a heel click will get me home? (theresnoplacelikehome, theresnoplacelikehome).

hi...

I'm here to make up for that sorry excuse for a blog posting earlier. I was feeling sorry for myself.

I had forgotten that things can always get worse.

Like the school nurse could call and say that Kimberly has a rash and I have to pick her up and she can't come back to school until she has a doctors note. Cha-ching, for me that means that I have to spend $95 for a doctors note. Friggin awesome. Then I'm there and the doctor said that they have the flu shots for Kim's age group and it's $27 if I want it, oh and I should really really get it because I don't want her to get the flu...blah blah blah. So I sign for a flu shot and let the doctor make a liar out of me while i hold down my writhing 5 year old. Bloodcurdling shrieks of, "I'm scaaaaared! You promised no shots today!" while they jab her with a needle. Then I felt really guilty and so I bought her a Happy meal. And Kennen was with us, so I bought him a Happy meal. And I love McDonalds so I'll have a number one with a large Diet Pepsi thank you very much.

In the matter of an hour I dropped $134. But now we are home, the wind blew in a nice cold rain and Jeff and the kids are downstairs cleaning. I'm blessed.

Oh, and I had the best weekend. I don't think I've had this much fun in awhile. First, we went to Joe and Kempy's house. Kennen loves Joe...and I think Joe loves Kennen. Here they are watching football together. Mind you, Kennen barely cuddles with me, so this is really something special.


Then on Sunday afternoon we went to the local Rice Harvest festival (apparently my town used to be rice fields). I could have taken pictures of my neighbor doing her gymnastics routine, or of my kids eating turkey legs and snow cones, but no. I only took one picture that day. And here it is...the biggest doggy balls I have ever seen. :) Happy Monday!



*****Edited to say that I did not give my daughter the STD prevention drug, guardasil...it was indeed the flu shot. Oy vay, don't they start giving that to 9 year olds??? 4 more years and I will be talking to her about STD's? I'm sick to my stomach now...

Mo money mo problems

Why is it that the more money you make the more money you spend? Is it just an American thing?

sigh. that's all i've got right now.

Homesick

For the first time in a long time I want to go 'home'. I lived in Arizona for the first 23 years of my life and there was always something comforting to me about being an Arizona native. Or just a native to anywhere. I knew the street map of Phoenix like the back of my hand. I knew every backstreet shortcut through the Indian reservations. The weather was always beautiful. Except for the hell that they call 'summer'. I can make friends wherever I go apparently, but all of the friends that know 'me' and all of my history, live in Arizona. The girls that have known me through every phase and every boyfriend. Even to this day if I go for any long period of time without talking to them, as soon as we get on the phone, it's like no time has passed at all.

I miss my family too. My brother and his wife just had their first daughter and I want to spoil her. My cousin Ashley has her 3 boys and she moved back to Arizona about a year ago. I have visions of us sitting around with our herd of kids running around. We've never really had the chance to do the mom thing together. The last time we saw each other often was when we were teenagers. I would love to share this phase of our lives together. Of course my Mom. I miss her. She is my soft place to fall and she has an infinite trove of wisdom to share with me. Plus she knows where all the good yard sales are. I don't get a chance to miss my in laws because they are here in Texas every 6 weeks or so. But I do miss the free babysitting and the opprotunity to have an actual job. A real job where I put on makeup and cute clothes every morning and go and talk to adults.

I'm not really sure where all of this is coming from. I'm so happy in Texas and for a long time I felt like we found the best place for our family. And we have. Great house for a great price, Exemplary schools, perfect neighbors. I'm just starting to feel like a caged animal. The thing that is really sad is that when I go back there, it is never the same. I don't have a home there. I am just a visitor. I need to focus on the life I have here because no matter how hard I wish, things will never be as I've left them.

Thank you Ren-fest man.

Ugh this is a broke month for us, and I'm really not sure why. Maybe it's the combination of preschool, gymnastics and speech therapy. Maybe it's the fact that I'm paying to have my huge oil painting finally framed. My Dad painted it of me when I was a little girl. It's beautiful. I should have had it framed sooner but it makes me cry whenever I look at it. I actually went to a super small and more expensive frame shop because I knew I was going to bawl my way through choosing a frame. I would rather pay more and cry in front of one person than go to Hobby Lobby and cry in front of the 15 teenagers that work there and not to mention all the other customers.

I went to the frame shop first without my painting to feel out the situation. When I walked in the store, I was greeted by a talkative man with long gray hair down to his waist. I told him that I had an oil painting I wanted to frame and I guessed at the size and he gave a me a very thorough lesson on the different types of frames, the different manufacturers...and somehow we ended up talking about how he came to work in this frame shop. He said he met his 'woman' at the Renaissance Festival years ago, and she owned the shop. I think when he said 'woman', he really really wanted to say 'wench' but he didn't want to come across as a complete tool to me, a non Ren-fest kind of girl. He even busted out his Ren-fest accent a few times. I decided that he was sensitive enough to deal me me crying so I told him I was going to run home and get my painting and then it happened. My eyes started stinging and my throat closed. I had to get outta there quick!

I got in my car and cried my ugly cry. I pulled the painting out of the closet and ugly cried some more. I got my emotions back under control while I was driving back to the store, and I called Rhona to test out if I could talk about it without crying. Nope! I ugly cried to Rhona and I made her cry too! I heart her. :)

Me and my tears walked back into the store and told him 'Sorry, but I'm going to cry the whole time apparently.' He stopped short for about a second but nicely ignored my tears and proceeded to help me choose a frame. My painting is very damaged. In the throes of my Dad's brain cancer, I think he had decided to 'store' all of his paintings. Mine was cut off of the frame and FOLDED. Plus during his brain cancer confusion, he painted two vertical lines down the painting. I asked the Renaissance man if I should attempt to have it 'fixed,' and he said the best thing ever. He said that no matter what frame of mind the artist was in, every stroke is his and it shouldn't be messed with. He said that I have to trust that the piece is as the artist intended. That makes me very happy. I will just see the lines as my Dad drawing in your eye to look at its subject, me. His baby girl. I also took Renaissance mans suggestion that I have the painting dry mounted, instead of stretched. It will avoid further damage and flaking of the paint. Plus, if I have it stretched then my Dads signature will no longer be on the front of the picture.

The painting is the back of a little girl on a dusty country road, standing on her tippy toes reaching up into a mailbox. I remember my Dad having me pose for this picture when I was about 4 or 5. He put cookies on a high shelf and took pictures of me reaching up to get the cookies. I also remember that when he first sketched out his idea in pencil that he drew my little hand as a hook instead of a hand, just to make me laugh and protest. I miss him.

He lived a reckless life

My larger pink kissing fish kicked the bucket sometime in the night. I came into the kitchen to make coffee this morning and I saw his crusty little body laying next to the fish bowl. :( Poor guy. It's his own fault though. He always picks on the little fish whenever it's time to eat and when they fight near the surface, they usually splash around. He must have been charging full speed at the little fish before flying through the air onto my counter top.

This is the same fish that Kennen tried to kill last year. Somehow Kennen took the fish out of the fishbowl and he must have been laying on the tile floor for 20 minutes until i found him waving his little flippers frantically. For a few days he swam in circles and floated upside down and I expected him to die, but somehow the brain damage repaired itself and he became the big bully of the fish bowl once again.

Until last night. I told Jeff it was an emergency and he had to come and help me, because there was no way I was touching that thing. Not only was he gross, but he was really sad looking too. His tail was curled up which means he didn't die laying down. The little soul was fighting to the end.

So now my day includes a trip to the pet store. You can't have one kissing fish...it takes two to tango. Or kiss...or whatever, lol!

Fever induced ramblings...

Damn it, I'm sick! Fever, chills, body ache...please send me to the infirmary. Tell the nanny I'll be home in a week. :)



I can't sleep but if I pad around my house at 3:00am I get totally winded and achy and tired. The kiddos woke me up bright and early for their breakfast. It's a good thing that G-d make kids really cute...especially in the morning with their bed hed. Well, Kennen was butt naked (He strips down every morning...I think to thoroughly enjoy my high tread count sheets) and had bed head but Kimberly was dressed, hair brushed, headband in her hair with a boa around her neck. Did I mention that I love the age 5? She is so self sufficient. Last night when I had my sick girl insomnia I crawled into bed with Kim and just held her. When she's sleeping she looks just like the baby I brought home from the hospital. While I was looking at her I remembered when I had that 'rush of love' that happens when you become a parent. It wasn't until she was about 10 days old. I had just fed her and she way laying on my pillow just looking around and blinking with her impossibly long eyelashes and smacking her little lips. Then she cooed at me and I died and came back to life. The love for my child hit me like a freight train. It happened with Kennen too, but it was less profound because I expected it, but it didn't happen with him until about 4 months or so. Up until that time I cannot explain how tired I was and I had been just going through the motions of sustaining his little life and doing what a good mom should. He was a miserable baby. One day though I was holding this big fat hulk of a man child and the freight train came crashing through my heart. It was a little different though. It was a protective love because even as a baby, I knew that I was pretty much the only one that he wanted and that I was the only one that really loved him the way he deserved. He just cried and cried and mutha-fuckin' CRIED. Everone passed him back to me. Except my Mother in Law, G-d love her. She didn't cringe at the crying until he became hysterical. Then I would take him and feed him and he would arch his back and scream and shake his little red face back and forth looking for food. When he finally calmed down and latched on, he would bite me. I learned not to react because if I jumped or gasped he would just tremble and cry. He has always tried to be a good boy, but he has always missed the mark just by an inch. And when he fails he has guilt, I swear. It's been interesting being his mother.



Whew! Back to being sick. I'm fucking cold! I've been hanging out with the blowdryer because I just can't get rid of my chills. I'm so glad I cleaned yesterday. Except for a bunch of toys the kids dragged down this morning, my house is clean and I can lay on the sofa with my iPod and knit guilt free! Peace out yo!

Hotlanta!

I just read the newest post over at Thepioneerwoman.com. In celebration of her 10th anniversary she is giving a recap of her love affair with her husband before they were married. O.M.G her last post gave me chills. Thank you P-Dub for reminding me of my own whirlwind romance. Jeff was a stranger in a bar, buying me and my friends drinks at day one, professing his love for me by week 3, and became my best friend. We bar hopped and he drove me all over northern Arizona and made me laugh until I'd cry. 7 months later I was pregnant and he was happy. How does that work? I wasn't happy but the hope and the love in his eyes were irresistable. I knew that spending my life with him would never be dull. We've only been married 5 years but so far our love has never run luke warm. We either love each other or we fight like demons. We have passion and he makes me feel alive. I'm a lucky girl.

If you want to read a cattle ranchers wife's love story...start here:

part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
part 8
part 9
part 10
part 11
part 12

Oh, and go to thepioneerwomancooks.com and make her pico de gallo. And her chocolate cake. Hotlanta!

hungry girl I am!

Wow. Eating only 20 carbs per day is rough. I have other people tell me that the first 3 days are hard and that day 4 is when I will magically wake up with more energy than ever. I'm eating plenty but I never feel really satisfied. All I want is to cram 2 donuts into my mouth at one time and weep with joy at their doughy sweetness. This morning I was running errands and I stopped at Sonic and got a breakfast burrito...sans tortilla. Actually, the tortilla was in my car...it was in my lap acting like a plate for everything inside. There was a slice of tomato inside the burrito. Mmmmmmmmmm, I know fruits are off limits but most people are dumb and put them in the veggie group, right? Aren't I clever for finding a loophole? I ate the tomato slice and it was heaven.

You know what this feels like? It feels like the first 3 days of quitting smoking. I've quit many times in the past but I always started up again. I have quit for good for a few years now, but the cravings I'm having are very similar to smoking withdrawls. I'm not necessarily hungry. I just want to feed my carb monster. I'm also learning to make sure I don't get too hungry. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. I made a recipe off of the fabulous Living la vida lowcarb blog and it was so good. Pizza! But the crust was a broiled portabella mushroom. Sweet sweet jebus it was really good. I skipped the tomato sauce though. Not because I was feeling guilty about my clever tomato loophole, but I didn't have any tomato sauce in the house. Still...it was awesome! Anyway, I had a very weak moment while my pizza's were baking. Fortunately I found string cheese before the Chocolate teddy grahams. I just need to make sure that I have an emergency snack on me at all times.

So far I have lost nothing. I'm not sure what I expected after one day but I was a little bummed when I saw the needle pointing to *** again. I thought it would say *&% or at least **@. But no, it was holding firm at ***. Today I am not going to drink any diet soda and I walked 2 miles this morning. Oh, and i'm drinking lots of water. Did you know you literally pee out the fat in your body? I guess I never really thought about where the fat physically went.

My favorite time of year!

It just dawned on me that we are finally in the month of October! Hello holiday season! I've missed you! I love the cool dewy mornings. I'm really looking forward to having a fabulous Halloween. Next comes Thanksgiving...then, drum roll please, Christmas!!!!!!!!!!! Do you know how much I love Christmas? I love the cookies, the decorations from Crate and Barrel and Pier One! I cannot wait to go to garden ridge and go nuts with more decorations. I'm getting giddy just thinking about it. I've even purchased my 'holiday dress'. Normally $130, and I walked out the door with it for just $30. Oh, and the best part about it that it's a size 6. Now I am nowhere near a size six, but I think that the more expensive the store, the more 'forgiving' the sizes. Even if this dress was full price, I probably would have bought it because it looked fabulous on and was a SIZE 6! Moi? A size six? Yes of course I'm a size six...I've got the dress to prove it! I'm actually more of a 10 (a perfect 10 that is) and I will never be much less with my frame.

Speaking of my frame...it's time to pull out the big guns. I want to fully enjoy these next few months. Halloween candy, pumpkin pie, sugar cookies, turkey, stuffing, latkes and everything in between with a clear conscience. I don't want it to be full of self loathing and guilt for packing on holiday pounds...on top of my recent 10 that will not fucking budge. Until October 31, I am on a mission. I've actually started an Atkins-like diet today. I need to make a run to Sams Club to stock up on meat, cheese, eggs, broccoli, lard and imodium. :) Then once October 31st hits, I'm going to enjoy every tasty bite and not think twice about it...that is until January 1st...where my new years resolution will be to lose 10 lbs. Hopefully only 10 lbs. Sounds like a good plan, no? I've already started today and here is what kicked off my diet:

2 scrambled eggs with 1/2 cup of broccoli
Franks red hot cayenne pepper sauce. This makes everything taste like buffalo wings...es bien!
2 pieces of extra crispy bacon
2 cups of coffee with milk and splenda. I am making an allowance for milk carbs in the morning because Mommy is a bitch without a good cup of coffee.

Wish me luck!

http://livinlavidalocarb.blogspot.com Oh, and I found this website to inspire me with everything low carb.

One more thing...

Britney lost her babies.

I think that the courts made the right call with all of her recent behavior. Still though. I think that not having her kids is going to push her over the edge. A mother not having her children? It just seems to go against nature. I pity her.

Things that annoy me.

In celebration of my pms I am making a quick list of all the things that annoy me. I apologize to my (2) faithful readers...can you believe my blog has come to this?

-bicycle riders that think they are cars. Like riding in the middle of the road and then getting in the left turn lane. If I was in a 'city' then sure, riding a bike and pretending you are a car might make sense. But out here in the 'burb's? Get on the fucking sidewalk. Or at the very least stay to the far right of the road and use the sidewalks instead of the left turn lane. You are more of a pedestrian than a car.

-My son pooping his pants for 5 days straight. Today he finally used the toilet so maybe winds are changing again.

-Getting paid and then being broke 2 days later. Super fun.

-Where is that cold front everyone has been talking about? The air conditioning in my car is out. I really don't want to have to pay to fix it. See above.

-Being overzealous when I signed up to volunteer at school. I wanted to volunteer so I could stalk my daughter...but now that I know she is happy and safe, can I please have my Mondays and Wednesdays back. Please?

-My husband sleeping all weekend. Not because I necessarily want to 'hang out' with him when I'm hormonal, but he gets under the covers after I've already made the bed. grrrr.

-Not being able to lose 10 lbs.

I'm a snarky bitch. Where o' where is my "." ?