since I can't sleep, I might as well blog!

I am assuming that baby Griffin will be waking up for a 3:00am feeding every night. I'm up again with a kicking rolling baby when it feels like the rest of the world is asleep.

It really makes me giddy that in less than 2 months I will have a newborn! As much as I like to sleep, I am looking forward to my midnight...and then 3:00am feedings with my boy. The other two times I had new babies, I learned to surrender to the rhythm of the 3 hour cycle. Eat, poop, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. I was so tired...like torture tired. I was pushed to the limit of what a human being can handle...but the secret is that I loved it. I'm a greedy girl and my babies are mine mine all mine. During the day I must share them with the world but in those quiet moonlit hours their little life, their tiny breaths, their hungry little mouths, and their demanding little fists beating in the air are all mine.

billz billz billz

Does anyone know how much a vaginal birth at a hospital costs before insurance? I know that there are a lot of factors like how much the facility wants to charge vs what the ins. company will allow them to charge and lots of other confusion. I am looking for a ballpark figure. Jeff and I had $2500 in our health savings account, but we have burned through that at lightening speed. We only have $675 left to cover our hospital fees! Eep! I will owe 20% of whatever the hospital charges so I'm thinking out of pocket will be $2000-$3000. Basically I don't have enough money. Damn.

We knew we were going to have a baby this year...but I didn't count on myself getting really sick on top of the cost of the baby. I'm not even diagnosed yet because I didn't want to risk the health of the baby by doing extensive tests...but just treating my symptoms has been expensive. I either have Ulcerative Colitis or Crones disease. Or colon cancer. Probably not the last one but I really don't know. So on top of the cost of the babys delivery I still need more diagnostic testing done. I am praying that this is just an autoimmune intestinal problem that showed its ugly head because of my hormone fluctuations. Who knows. Maybe I will magically get better once the baby is born since I got sick right at 5 weeks. And by sick...well it involves my ass but I will keep the gorey details to myself. :D

The good news is that Griffin is growing perfectly. The bad news is that by the end of the year we are going to be drowning in medical bills.

Cry bitch

Why is he crying? Sorry Mark Sanford...I don't buy your crocodile tears. Whatever, marriage is between two people and if there is infidelity well then it is none of my business. But this is particularly shady and I take personal insult because his job is a Governor...a public servant to the people of S.C. He used taxpayer money to fund his trip to the other side of the world for 'a little strange'. He was unreachable to everyone! Sorry sir, you accepted the nomination to be Governor...an assignation that many would do wholeheartedly...and possibly even with honor.

I'm not even going to get into the fact that you disappeared from your wife and kids. Ugh. you deserve no pity.

cluck

I think this means I'm nesting.

I have been systematically tearing my house apart and putting it back together again. I lay awake at night in bed wondering exactly what the hell is lurking under my kids beds or in my closets. It makes my skin crawl. I must purge it all out! For those of you that know me...this is totally freakish behavior on my part! 'Cleaning' for me means that I do the 5pm hustle where I scurry around and clean up before Jeff walks in the door. I have also learned to delegate jobs to my kids. for example, they empty the dishwasher, dust, and make all the beds. Years of the 5pm hustle have led to cabinets and cupboards that really have no organization. My silverware drawer has a divider in it for spoons, forks etc but I just throw them all in. It's all about speed with the 5pm hustle! It's all smoke and mirrors. Jeff might walk into what feels like a shiny peaceful place but the truth is that there is chaos just below the surface. Or just under the bed. Or just behind the pantry door. Chaos people!

In 7 weeks I am bringing something perfect and pure into my house. A primal force is ordering me to create a perfect place for him. I must obey.

Ugh...they got me!

I watched Jon and Kate plus 8 last night and I friggin cried! Ugh, they got me!

If you haven't heard, they are filing for divorce. It really makes me so sad for them...for their kids...but mostly for them. I was a child of divorce and I have navigated through this world okay despite not having the best launching pad. The kids seem pretty sturdy. I think they will be okay.

I have thought for years that Kate is just a raging bitch. I've always thought that she better start being nice to her husband before he finds someone else that will respect him. I'm not saying that I am a pious quiet little wife. I'm not. But I let my husband be. I let him speak. I let him parent in his rougher 'Daddy' style. I look away when he drinks out of the milk carton. I give him the remote control...plus a million other subtle things that show him respect. I don't want to emasculate the man I love until he is another helpless baby that I have to parent.

She seems like she is such a control freak and she wanted to brow beat him until he did what he was told. I don't think she realized the power a woman has in submission. For years and years he took her abuse and now he has completely checked out. He rebelled and found a young 'lady friend' that probably made him feel really good about himself. Like Miranda said in a Sex and the City episode..."Nobody wants to fuck Mean Mommy."

He's not faultless either. He didn't fight for fair treatment, kindness and respect. And now he's not fighting for his marriage. He says he's all about the kids, but it is true that the biggest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother. He has that multiplied by 8! Does he really hate Kate more than 8 times the love you feel for a child? I don't think he does.

The closing scene of the show was when Jon and Kate were loading the kids into the super Van. They were holding umbrellas and passing the kids to one another to keep them out of the rain. Then Kate opened her door and started stepping up into the Van and Jon came up behind her and stood on his tip toes to hold his umbrella over her head. That small act of chivalry is what made me cry. Because he was still going out of his way with the little sweet things he did...and she still didn't notice.

Yesterday...

I turned 30! Goodbye twenties. I'm officially old.

I woke up to Kimberly gently shaking me awake. She had set a fresh hot cup of coffee on my nightstand and when I opened my eyes she smiled sweetly and said, "Happy Birthday Mommy!"

Then she brought me the presents she made. It was 30 pages of water color paintings she made for me. There were butterflies, fish, thumbprint people, and pictures of a big fat me wearing a big fat dress 'because you are pregnant Mommy'! She had been working on her paintings all week and I have been banished from my dining room because she wanted me to be surprised. I knew she had been painting...but Jeff didn't apparently. One day he came home from work and went to the dining room to admire Kim's creations when I suddenly heard screams and, "No Daddy! That's paint water!" Oh yeah...he chugged down a huge glass of kool aid colored swill. I told him not to worry...it was probably non toxic. :D

Anyway, Jeff came home from fishing at 8:00am with donuts. Score! I ate one and was done. I can't eat much sugar in the morning when I'm pregnant. I don't know why but it makes me feel very very sick. Weellllll, then Kim brought me a donut and said, 'happy birthday mommy.'. To be nice, I ate it. Then Kennen brought me the most frosted, sprinklyest donut and said, "Bappy Birthday Mommy!' Ugh. I was already feeling sick so I told him 'no thanks buddy, I'm full'. Then he hung his little head and his bottom lip stuck out and started to quiver. So I said, "Wait, does that have sprinkles???? Thanks...my favorite!" Then I ate the damn donut while he gleefully sat next to me swinging his little legs and chattering away happily. Then I tried not to barf and I fell into a sugar coma...nap #1 of the day.

I woke up and went swimming, came home and napped. Woke up, ate spaghetti, layed back down and napped. 3 naps in one day makes a pregnant girl very happy. Jeff asked me, "So is this the crazy celebration you expected for your 30th birthday?" Ha ha, that would be a negative ghostrider. When I was younger and 30 was old, I always expected to compensate for the dissapointment of stepping into my 30's by partying like a rockstar. I thought I would probably fly to Vegas with some girlfriends or something like that. I didn't expect that I would be so...content. And rotund. With so many kids. And a house in the burbs with a dog. 30 feels good...like an accomplishment.

Oh! The best part is that Jeff got me a gift card for a day at the spa! I've been trying to decide what to have done! Should I focus on my face and get microdermabrasion and zapped with a lazer to take care of the broken capillaries on my cheeks? Or should I wait until I have the baby and do the sauna, body wrap, massage thing. Or should I get my whole body waxed? Honestly I can't even see my vahoo anymore past my belly so I am shaving by braille. That pretty much spells d.a.n.g.e.r. I could also focus on cutting my hair and getting my nails done. Hmmmm...decsions decisions.

Iran

OMG I am so saddened and horrified with what is happening in Iran today. If you go to your twitter, do a search for #iranelection, tehran, or iran you can read live updates from Iranians trying to get their stories heard. People, mostly young, have taken to the streets to protest the rigged election of Ahmadinejad. The government has shut down all news stations and the only way these people can get out information to the rest of the world is through twitter, facebook and youtube because these social networks are not run by Iran. By updating with news, videos and pictures these people are putting themselves at risk because the gov't can track them down and find them, kill them, their families etc. Do your part by setting your Twitter time zone to GMT+3:30 Tehran to jam the network. By making the list of 'Iranians' larger, the Iranian government will have a harder time filtering through everything and finding those 'guilty' of reeporting the truth about their corrupt country.

I have perused the #iranelection search and I saw a link to a youtube video of a beautiful young woman who was shot in the street. She looked into the camera as blood spilled out of her mouth and nose and she died as the people trying to save her screamed in outrage and agony. It's unbelievable. God save those innocent people who are brave enough to fight for justice...for a fair vote.

Griffin

This baby is by far my laziest child! I hadn't felt him move all morning and I started freaking out. He finally gave me one big slow roll and a couple kicks so I can relax for a little while. He has his active days but for the most part, I really need to concentrate to notice much movement from him. Sometimes the only reason I know he is alive is that he has the hiccups. When he does kick and roll, he is very strong. I am anticipating another barrel bodied grunting flexing little boy. And I'm expecting another blondie, but wouldn't it be cool if he had dark hair? My Dad has black hair, so it is possible. Plus I am praying that he has Jeff's beautiful green eyes. Not that it doesn't thrill me to see my very own eyes staring back at me from my kids...but a little variety would be excellent. Wow, a dark haired green eyed boy living in my house. How fun would that be! Eh, probably won't happen though.

My nursery is pretty much done. I have a little more organizing to do in the clothes department, but that's it! It is simple and soothing...just how I envisioned it. I am waiting for my order from Uppercase Living and as soon as I stick it up on the wall, I will take pics and show you! Until then, behold Griffin and my double chin:

And my stupid dog didn't even bark!

There have been a string of break ins lately in and around my neighborhood. Last night, my neighbor that is 2 houses down from me had his car broken into, his stereo and other things stolen! 2 houses away! Spooky!

Now I am all paranoid. I am locking myself inside whenever I am home and I am nervous to let my kids play in the back yard. Can you imagine the nerve of some people? I hope it is just highschool kids and not real gun toting criminals. At least it wasn't a home invasion on my street. There was one in our community a few weeks ago. That would really scare me because honestly, we don't have anything worth stealing. I don't keep cash at home. I don't own a flat screen, a dvd player or anything else cool. If someone breaks in and demands everything of value, what do I hand over? My laptop? My basketful of clothes I am trying to sell on ebay? Uhhhh, my Wii? That is pretty much all i have worth stealing.

I do have a shotgun. Not that I am keen on shooting anyone, but hopefully if I am put in a bad situation, just me pumping the gun will cause someone to second guess hanging around in my house to see if I will really shoot or not.

Sign...gone are the days when the worst thing to happen in this neighborhood and me and my neighbors...and our 'excessive partying'.

choosing my battles

A few weeks ago I bought Kimberly a lot off clothes off ebay. I cleaned out her closet of everything that doesn't fit and pretty much all we were left with was the new stuff I got on ebay. I washed and hung each outfit together so that she could easily and quickly dress into a cute and matching outfit.

My plan failed. She keeps wearing the same 2 skirts over and over again with any fugly top she can find. This morning she is wearing a pink/white checked skirt with a red 4th of July shirt from Old Navy. What the hell? I'm trying not to come out of my skin and yell at her for something that really doesn't matter. Is it too much to ask to expect her to at least match her clothes? Damn!

*vent over*

Last day of school and swimming lessons!

Today is Kimberly's last day of first grade! This year has absolutely flown by. It is exciting that today is the last day of school because it is another milestone that needs to be reached for me to be that much closer to delivering Griffin. Here is my mental timeline:

Jeff's sister needs to have her baby...CHECK!

Kimberly needs to finish first grade...CHECK!

My brothers wife needs to have her baby in July

Then it is my turn in August!

Baby Griffin is growing a lot and has gotten really strong. He is finally starting to kick me hard enough for it to be a little painful. I can tell I have another little muscly man child in there.

Speaking of Man child...Kennen is taking swim lessons. The place I go to is awesome! You need to go every day for 30 minutes for an entire 2 weeks. It sucks because I have to actually drive out of my little suburban bubble and I am wasting a lot of gas, but this is truly the best place to go. Kimberly had taken lessons at a few different places when she was little, but it wasn't until her 2 weeks at this place that she learned to swim. They are miracle workers.

Kennen started a few days ago and we got 'Mr. Rudy' as our teacher. I was a little taken aback when they first told me it was a 'Mr.' If it was Kimberly, I might not have felt comfortable with that. In my mind i wonder why would a grown man want to have a job teacher preschoolers how to swim? Beautiful little preschoolers in swimsuits with their parents on the other side of a plate glass window. I know, gross. But I figured...I have a son so I don't have to worry about molestation. Welll......then I realized that probably for some people, little boys float their boat. Ew ew ew! Me and my Generalized Anxiety Disorder started second guessing this whole thing. Then I mentally slapped myself and told myself to snap out of it. Chill out. Take a deep breath. You will be there. Your child will be fine.

It turns out that Mr. Rudy is a coveted teacher. He is about 20 years old and is a huge man. It's like Mike Tyson is standing in the pool waiting to teach a buch of little tiny tender people how to swim. Before Mike Tyson got the tattoos all over his face that is. I walked Kennen in that first day and one little girl, who looked about 2, was crying so hard that she gave herself a bloody nose. By the looks of this man, I half expected him to start shouting, "What is your dysfunction soldier!" Seriously...Mr. Rudy looks like a badass who takes no shit. But he just held a paper towel to her nose and gently purred to her that she have nothing to be upset about and that everything is going to be okay. It was so touching. Like one of those black and white pics where big strong man hands are holding a newborn baby. Then I got kind of choked up at his his tenderness and had to run out of there before I started crying...damn hormones!

I sat down in the parents area to watch. Each teacher only has 4 students and there are about 10-20 teachers in the pool. Each 'class' sits on a little built in pool love seat and the instructor takes them one at a time to practice something new. The first time He took Kennens hand and pulled him under water, he gently dunken him as he walked backwards to the center of the pool. When Kennen's head came back out of the water he started sputtering and screaming and with his 50lbs of muscle, he managed to get Mr. Rudy in a head lock and start climbing up this man. I swear his feel were up on Mr. Rudy's shoulders and he was trying to perch himself up onto his head. Thank goodness Kennen has a big strong man teacher. Mr. R gently disentangled himself and pulled Kennen down to his eye level and I saw him firmly mouth, "STOP" to Kennen. Immediately Kennen was mesmerized and relaxed and then carried on with his lesson. He is the perfect teacher for my freakishly strong son. Kennen loves him and looks forward to lessons every day...damn, in fact I have 10 minutes to get dressed and get out the door for todays lesson. Peace out peeps.

Oops!

Today online registration opens up for Kimberly's fall soccer season. I was hunting around the website and i found a few tidbits of advice for soccer parents:

“Asked what embarrasses them most,
every single child surveyed listed parents
hollering plays or instructions from the
sideline or stands.”

OOPS!

• The Ride Home
• – Never reward what you perceive as success
• – Never punish what you perceive as failure
• – Don’t evaluate your child’s performance, he or she is playing to have fun, not to earn a grade! If he/she had fun, the day was a success

– Meet your child’s needs: remember the questions you asked and the answers you got as to why your child is playing soccer

OOPS AGAIN!

I must admit that last season I was a screaming maniac on the sidelines. I exploded on her in the car after she played really poorly. It is just so hard to watch your child be so disinterested in a little competition. I am not super competitive but I at least want to feel like i am in the game, you know? I want to make sure nobody feels like I am letting them down. It was painful to watch Kimberly focused on the super soft sand around the goal, or the bugs crawling through the grass. It made me so mad to see her half heartedly running along with her friends with zero enthusiasm...but when it was the end of the game and time for snack, she sprinted as fast as her little legs would carry her to get her share.

I don't know how to motivate in a positive way. I would rather my kids have me be hard on them to prepare a little for the world...instead of syrupy false praise that give a false sense of a job well done. I don't want Kim to think she is perfectly fine just the way she is without applying herself to something. I just don't feel like i am doing her any favors by plastering a smile on my face and saying, "Wow! Great game Kim! Excellent teamwork!" when it was glaringly obvious that she didn't even try.

Maybe I should just build her up though. I dunno. Should I be her soft place to fall? Should I be the one to apply the pressure to her that she needs to succeed? I really don't know. This is the first time I've had a 7 year old and I have no idea what I am doing.