Just a warning...don't read this post if you are eating anything right now

Today I was in my bathroom doing my makeup and I heard Kimberly yelling "MooooooOOOOOOooooooom". One of my pet peeves is being called like that. She knows that if she wants something that she has a better chance of getting it if she comes to me and doesn't 'becon' me into the room. I tell her that she's the one with the young legs. :) I kept hearing, "I can't get my toolbelt! I can't get my toolbelt!" I count to ten, take a deep breath and put on eyeliner.

A second later she came running into the bathroom with her swimsuit around her ankles and said, "I can't get my poop out!"

Apparently I misunderstood.

Ew. This is a job for Mom unfortunately. She sits down and she leans her little head against me while I rub her lower back and tell her to relax. She started to push and then she SCREAMED out in pain!

"It's too biiiiii-guh!" :( I saw panic in her eyes. I tried calming her down for a full 5 minutes but she just cried and cried. I had her stand up and turn around so I could see and it looked like her butthole was 4cm dialated and her turd was at a 1+ station. OMFG! It was huge! I was horrified but I kept my voice nice and calm...

'Just sit down and relax...Mommy needs to get something'. I mentally prepared myself with a game plan as I got a latex glove and some aquaphor. When I first reached in, I just pushed the turd back up and Kimmy face perked right up and said, "That's better...it's gone now. It went back up," she said all this while trying to pull her swimsuit back on. I convinced her to try to push one more time but it got stuck again. I dug in again and felt around and realized that I had to turn it before pulling it out because it was not 'pointed' down but 'laying' across. Poor Kimmy-girl. Poor Mommy. I made my move quickly and in about 5 seconds I was holding the biggest...turd...ever!

"Whoa! That's better!" was all Kimmy-girl said. She eyed what I was holding with open mouthed astonishment. Then she washed her hands and ran off to go swim again.

Don't say I never did anything for you kid.

vacation is all I ever wanted...

The countdown begins for my little getaway. I have pretty much crashed Jeff's fishing trip to Illinois. At first it was going to be Jeff and his friends and they were all so excited but then one by one they all said they couldn't go. Everyone is busy getting married, having kids, climbing the career ladder etc.

This means that I have Jeff second guessing going to his Musky fishing honey pot in Illinois because he knows I will be bored...then I will get pissed off...then I wont have sex with him...actually that last part is a lie. :) But I know I will start complaining because I really don't like to fish. At least not for 15 hours straight. And if Mama aint happy, aint nobody happy. We were talking last night and he said that he is up for finding another place to go. I've been googling all the cities on my Rand-McNally Atlas that are within about a 10 hours drive from us that have good fishing. And a place where we can do something other than fish. I'm thinking Memphis (he can fish the mighty Mississippi and then we can go to Graceland), Biloxi (Imagine mini Las Vegas with deep sea fishing charters), or South Padre Island (crystal clear water, parasailing, fishing). I vote Padre! Honestly I really don't care where we go. I just want to go. I want to be able to dance a jig and sing, "I got no strings on me!". No noses (or butts) to wipe, no laundry to do, no house or yard to take care of. Just me and my best friend and the open road.

**EDIT**
yippee! I just talked to him and he said, "Oh...2 guys (that live in Illinois) wanted to make sure I was still coming out there to Musky fish."

Then I said something that sounded like, "Whine whine whine, I want to parasail, whine whine whine, we will have so much more fun, whine whine whine," and he said

"OK if it makes you happy. And if we can fish 2 of the days that we are there."

Then I countered with, "One 4 hour deep sea trip and then the other day we can fish off the pier."

Deal!

My heart wants to explode with happiness! I can't even begin to explain how much I need this trip!

WTF??

OK I must be high on the cold medicine because I am considering bidding $40 on ebay for all of the Madame Alexander Wizard of Oz dolls. In my head I try to justify it because "Maybe they will be worth money someday". Um, I think we all know the truth. I am a 27 year old mother of 2 and all I really want to do it play with dolls. Aren't they so cute though?

It only happens once in a blue moon...

...but I am totaly fucking sick. I was up all night with a headache, sore throat, and insatiable thirst. I'm so glad that one gatorade survived Jeffs hangover this weekend because when I opened the fridge at 2 in the morning that fierce grape gatorade made me want to cry tears of joy! I even called Jeff at 2am to thank him and to complain that I was sick and let him apoligize for not being home ( >:) I'm getting pretty good at this jewish guilt thing) but he didn't answer. It's ok though, I took another alka seltzer cold and passed out until 8am. He called me then and gave me a few 'poor baby's', a 'make sure you rest and drink lots of fluid', and even a "I'm so sorry love". Awww. I feel much better now that I have some sympathy.

Well not really. My head really fucking hurts. Damnit! It's probably because I forgot to put on my glasses today. I'm really bummed out though because I'm supposed to go out with my new DMV friend to lunch tomorrow. Damn germs. I probably got this cold from the nasty ass DMV. You know what I find interesting? Everyone has to go to the DMV but whenever you go there it is full of...hmmm I'm not mean enough to put into print the kind of people you might find at the DMV. But y'all know what I'm talking about. Gross gross gross. LOL, but then it is funny to see the one impeccably dressed middle aged woman with her designer bag and all her jewelry and she won't sit...just sort of pace back and forth and you can see her thinking, 'so this is how the other half lives'.

reason 987,596,284 that I love Sams Club

Prescriptions there are so cheap! I called this morning and I'm going to save $60 on this months refill! I pay $70ish at Walgreens for what I can get for $12 at Sams Club. Woo Hoo! Plus it's a chance for me to eat pizza there for lunch. I can get my prescription and feed me and the kids and still have $55 left over. Hmmmm, I'm sure I will be able to spend it quickly at Sams. I wonder if they sell shop vacs....or miter saws.

I bought a bunch of lumber on a whim at Home Depot a few months ago because I was going to make a picket fence garden style bed for Kimberly. I have the lumber and the instructions, the nails and the wood glue...I just don't have a saw. Hmmm, this ought to keep me busy while Jeff is away again.

He's in California. In wine country. I requested San Francisco sourdough bread and a bottle of wine for my souvenier. Last time he brought Kimberly a pink kimono from China Town. Kimberly says, "This is what my Daddy got me from Chinese world." hmmm...close enough. She knows that he always brings her something when he travels and now it's getting to the point that when he doesn't travel he will come home from work on a regular day and she will say, "Where's my present?" Then, instead of setting her straight, he will find something lame in his truck, like a pair of safety glasses and she will jump for joy and squeal and give him a big hug. He says he is just preparing her to be spoiled so that when she starts dating she will have really high standards. Look out world, in 15 years there is going to be a demanding beautiful tall leggy blonde breaking some hearts.

Why I love Tequila Patty

The other night me and my neighbors were sitting around and everyone started talking about a white skirt I was wearing last week. They started going on and on about how it was see thru and you could totally see my ass and even my husband was like, 'Oh yeah! I remember that!" WTF??? I looked at Patty, (my friend, my comrad, the girl that is on my side) and asked, "Why didn't you tell me you could see everything through my skirt???!!!" Her reply?

"I just thought it was Stella being Stella."

My mouth dropped. I think this is right up there with my Mother in law saying that my unborn daughter was "Just like her Mom" when Kimberly was bent over with her legs open during the 20 week ultrasound.

To her credit, Patty is the sweetest warmest person I know. She is a giver. Kimberly would rather hang out at her house all day because she is treated so well over there. But every once in awhile Patty will come out with a comment like this that keeps us all on our toes.

Oh and I'm retiring my white skirt. That's just me being me.

I'm big time now

My house is finally on mapquest! Well, the streetname is incorrect so you can't look up my address, but if you know where to look you can definitely see it! The aerial pic must have been taken before we moved in because the driveway had still not been poured but regardless (or irregardless a la our retarded president) I am still excited to see our home on the map. I'm surprised that my car wasn't parked on the street in front of our house because I was literally there every day during construction. I was obsessed with my house. I still am. Well, a little less so because I am sick of cleaning it over and over and over and over and over and over again. I love that I can do whatever I want to it. Pink stripes in the powder room? Sure why not? My bathroom is sickeningly sweet now but I like it. Jeff just smiles and nods. Smart man.

I spent the day at the DMV. Well, I cheated actually. I got there at 10:30 and they were on #44. I pulled a number (#88) and then left and took the kids to McDonalds. I went back at 11:30 and they were only on #62. I loaded the kids back up and ran home for something and when I got back there at 12:15 they were on #92. Eek! I missed it. I went up to the desk anyway and played dumb and they went ahead and let me get my Texas liscense. While I was waiting though I made a new friend. I have been really lazy about meeting new people since all my friends are my neighbors. I used to always be on the lookout for potential playdates and stuff but now I don't even think about it anymore. We were chit chatting and she gave me her phone number. :) I remember how lonely I was when I used to hand out my number to virtual strangers so I am going to make sure that I call her. Probably tomorrow. I liked her a lot. We talked about her fake purse and how much we love Target. Oh and she was sneaking in with #77 and she said 'If they don't let me then I will just sit here and let them listen to my baby scream for the next 30 minutes!' LOL at the thought of torturing a crappy government worker with a screaming baby...she might turn out to be a good friend. :)

Oh and after I got my new drivers liscense the lady behind the counter said, "Congratulations! Your an official Texan now!" Like it was the best thing in the world. I'm telling you the Texas pride here is something to behold!