Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Facebook Meme

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose at least 8 people to be tagged. Don't forget to tag me!

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? cheddar cheese!

2.Where was your profile picture taken? On my living room sofa

3. Can you play Guitar Hero? Yep...but I'm pretty rusty I'm sure.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Wendy

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? I think around 11:00pm feeding the baby and watching tv.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? The only other place I could see myself moving is back home to Arizona.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Um, maybe. Not that I can't remember.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Jeff lives with me and he is my best friend so...Jeff!

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? Sure!

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? It's pretty yummy but only if it is diet.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? When I was in the hospital I think.

12. Who took your profile picture? Kimberly

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? All 3 kids.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Yeah, I got a lot more done yesterday.

15. Can you live a day without TV? I don't watch tv until Jeff gets home from work usually. Oh wait...I gotta have cartoons for my kids though.

16. Are you upset about anything? yes

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Absolutely. What else matters in life but the people you love?

18. Are you a bad influence? Maybe ;D

19. Night out or night in? In

20. What items could you not go without during the day? I would feel lost without my cellphone!

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My neighbor when she had her baby.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? I'm getting my wisdom teeth out!

23. How do you feel about your life right now? Just trying to find my way...

24. Do you hate anyone? no. Well, I really don't like the people who speed down my residential street.

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find? Nothing naughty.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yep!

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Yes, Jeff says I'm perfect for him...does that count?

28. What song is stuck in your head? The Grand Old Duke of York!

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? My neighbor Mr. Clay looking for vodka.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? Yep, Kim will be 28, Kennen will be 25 and Griffin will be 21 so it's totally possible.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Nurse the baby, get the kids to school, clean my bedroom.

32. Do you think too much or too little? I don't think before I speak. But then I overanalyze it in my head. So...both!

33. Do you smile a lot? I used to. I think I have bitch face now.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Back in the swing of things

Baby Griffin is changing every day. He has gone from a pip-squeak newborn to a little chunk in about a week. Suddenly everything is bigger. He is getting deliciously chubby! I love changing his diapers because I get to inspect his baby bootie and the fat rolls on his thighs and his belly...ugh he's so sweet.

He still hasn't smiled! I am singing and shrinking like an idiot all day long in his face and he just looks at me like...I'm an idiot. Oh well. Sometime soon he will give in a crack a smile. I just want to make sure that he is on target with his development. Kennen was and still is behind and I would love to not have to do any type of therapy with baby G.

Despite not smiling, he is a happy guy. The first few days I came back from the hospital were a little hairy. He cried and cried. It's like he was all stressed out and he would go from peacefully sleeping to screaming in 2 seconds. It was like I came home to a different baby. I cried to Jeff about how Griffin and I had a broken bond and that I can tell baby G feels insecure in this world now. He just laughed and said I was hormonal. He is right because Griffin is back to cooing and grunting when he wants something instead of screaming bloody fucking murder. He just needed his Mama. Just as much as I needed him.

The big kids are doing great! They had soccer games on Saturday and I somehow managed the whole afternoon with 3 kids on a soccer field by myself. Jeff went on an overnight fishing trip Friday evening to Saturday afternoon. After the amazing job he did taking care of the kids while I was in the hospital, he definitely deserved a little R&R.

I do feel a little bad though because I was uber stressed on Friday evening after he had gone. I tried calling him a few times and he didn't answer. He finally called me back and told me he didn't have phone reception becasue he was on his friends buddy's boat. Boat? What boat? He never told me he was going out Bay fishing and I flipped my shit. He told me he was just fishing from the shore. I yelled at him...well I don't know why. I guess because I worry about him and I knew that the guy who owned the boat was one of those functional alcoholics. He is wasted morning noon and night and I'm sorry but I don't want my husband and father of my 3 kids to be in some drunk guys boat. Call me crazy. Anyway he had fun but he come home soooo butt hurt that I yelled at him. I guess I need to continue to work on my 'tone'. I don't mean to be mean, but I guess I am sometimes.

Now some pics!

Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm home

And not that I was in a deadly situation, but I feel like I have a new lease on life. I forgot what it feels like to not be in constant pain.

anyone want to do cartwheels with me?

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Still here...sitting in the hospital...bored. bored. bored.

Bored however, is fabulous compared to exhausted and in excruciating pain. I really think that every Mom of a newborn should have a few restful days in the hospital.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Facebook is firewalled in the hospital and I feel completely cut off from the world! I have been doing a little more research on what I have and because my colon is flaming red from my tush to my cecum, I have Pancolitis. That is going to make is a longer road to recovery from what I've read. Oh what I have read! I feel pretty hopeless about ever getting better. It seems like I can get into remission but then my colon is a ticking time bomb waiting to flare up and make me bleed and pee out my ass for another 10 months straight. Sorry for the visual.

I'm on steriods and some other fun stuff. I'm scared of the steriods because they are going to make me fat. Great. Just what a woman who had a baby 5 weeks ago wants to hear. The baby. I miss him so much. I am pumping to try and keep up with my little piglet. He is getting lots of formula right now. Jeff says he has about 16oz while Griffin is away from me and I am only able to pump out 10-12 oz during that time. No biggie. We will have a nurse-a-thon tomorrow because I am going home tomorrow!!!

I am so excited to get out of here. I am doing much better. The medicines they are giving me are doing their job. Gosh do y'all really want to hear about my colon? Eh, I'm going to tell you anyway. I had diarrhea 12 times yesterday and only twice today. Twice is a fucking miracle with my body these day.

I've also officially decided that my body and health is more important than any future babies. Being pregnant with Griffin has put me through the ringer. Or is it wringer? Probably wringer. Now that I have pancolitis, there are new lifelong risks. Fun things like Colon Cancer and Toxic Megacolon. Awesome name. I put off treating myself because of the risk to Baby G. While he was peacefully swimming in his hot tub, this disease fucking ravaged my body. I just don't want to be in a position again someday where I am refusing treatment and letting it get this bad again.

Physically it has sucked, but it has also brought me down mentally. I wont say 'depressed'. I have too much anxiety to be depressed. Lets just say I feel like I've lost the bounce in my step. I've felt guilty and like I'm not doing enough and I wonder why I can't be a better wife, mother, friend etc. I feel like my 80 year old grandmother who used to always say, "I don't want to be a bother..." when everyone in the room knew that she was a huge pain in the ass. I don't want to be a bother. I want to kick ass at my life.

p.s. Look who hung out with Mama in the hospital bed all day?

Friday, September 11, 2009


I'm writing this post from my mini vacation in the hospital. Since I officially healed from having my baby last month, I officially was able to be sedated for a colonoscopy and I officially have Colitis. Well, hopefully it isn't Crones but I will have to wait for a biopsy to confirm ulcerative colitis.

I went to the ER a few days ago because I had severe pain. I have been having issues for 10 months now but it had never been this painful. Or maybe it was this painful but recently I have been too sleep deprived to keep trucking along. My ER trip got me a golden ticket to a colonoscopy. The last thing I remember was a nurse telling me to lay on my side and that she was going to get me some margarita medicine. The next thing I knew, the procedure was over and I was in recovery with my doctor telling me that I was here to stay.

Now I am hooked up to a line pumping me full of medicine. I am having a little medical emergency vacation. I must say that it is pretty restful. They bring me food every few hours and I lay around reading trashy magazines without a care in the world. Well, there is a care...my babies. I miss my kids so much. It is weird to not be the one caring for them. I never really thought about how Jeff must feel leaving for work every day and just having to trust that I will do a good job. The big kids can fend for themselves but oh my lord baby Griffin needs me. And I need him just as much. I'm reminding myself that I need to be here. Otherwise I'm going to cry and tear out my IV line and call a cab home.

There was another Dr. on call tonight from my doc's practice. It seems like he must be the patriarch of the practice. He is older and cocky and condescending. All of the traits that you hope for in a doctor. You want the asshole doctor. The asshole makes you feel safe with your body. And in my case, my asshole.

He went over the pictures from my procedure with me and I asked him, "So what exactly am I looking at here?" In his very awesome polish accent he waived his hand and said, "This is a disaster!" My own doctor actually told me that I wasn't far away from having parts of my colon removed. I could be one of those people with a hipsac of poo hanging outside of their body. That would be HOT at the pool next summer. I'm not officially out of the woods yet though, so I wont joke about the poop sac. I'm actually knocking on wood so that it wont become my reality. (knock knock).

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Use it or lose it.

I am too tired for coherent thoughts these days, and I have so many blog posts that I have started but not finished. But today, I have decided that no matter what I am going to hit that damn, "Publish Post" button at the bottom.

Here is the randomness that is going on in my life and in my head.

Kennen started school yesterday! My big 4 year old boy is in big 4 year old preschool. I didn't realize until the end of the day that I didn't take that obligatory 'first day of school pic'. Do you think I can just have him put on his backpack this morning and take a picture anyway? That way when he looks at photo albums later, his little life will be properly documented! Yes! It's a plan...Kennen get your backpack on son! :D Also, as I was tucking him in I asked him about his day. He said, "It was great! I didn't even cry! I played with my buddies!" Yay! Just as they did when Kimberly was in the 4 year old class, they read the kids "The Kissing Hand". It's a story about a Raccoon that was scared to go to school, so the Mommy Raccoon kisses his hand and says that anytime he feels scared or if he misses her, he can put his hand to cheek to feel her love. So, I asked Kennen about the story and the little soul totally loses his resolve and crumbled into tears and buried his little sweaty head into my neck and cried, "I missed you! I love you so much!" Oh gawd. My post partum hormones can't handle this and I start crying. Ugh, that boy has my heart all twisted up. I pull it together and emphasize on all the fun things he gets to do at school and he cheers up. Me? I'm still a mess and I consider just clicking off the light and curling up with my 50lb blonde haired angel and having a little slumber party in his twin sized bed. But, there is an 8lb meatloaf in the house that is fussing downstairs and wondering when his next meal will be delivered. Fortunately Kennen saw me close my eyes and started laughing and shoving me out of his bed. He might love and miss his mother but this child does not cuddle. Another year and he probably wont let me hug him in public anymore.

Griffin is a dear sweet baby. A dear sweet hungry, needy, greedy, wants to be held all the time baby. I realized something. I am more tired now than when I was when I had all 3 kids home in the summer. Kimberly helps me so much...I didn't realize how much until she went back to school. Now when she gets off the school bus, she comes running up to me and takes baby G from my arms and goes into the house while I linger and chat with my friends. Yesterday I joked with my friends and said, "Yay! My nanny is here!" Only thing is that I wasn't joking.

Jeff is wonderful and helpful...unless it is the weekend. We went to a surprise birthday party for our neighbor that started at 11am. That means that Jeff started drinking at 11am. By 2pm I realized that I had 3 kids and a drunk husband. Then the more I bitched at him, the more he avoided me, and the more he drank, and the more I bitched at him etc. I ended up leaving him at the party with all 3 kids and walked home and took a bubble bath. (insert evil laugh). Then Monday and Tuesday he got the kids awake, fed, brushed and ready for school all by himself. He came home from work and mowed the grass yesterday. He did laundry. He changed diapers. He played soccer with Kennen. He helped tuck in kids. He brings me gallons of water, one cup at a time. Why can't I just leave him alone and let him be a big dumb animal with his friends at a party? It's not like he is out and away from me and the kids. He has a 'free bird' personality and I know I just need to let him be. He is good to me even when I am fat and cranky.

Okay, wow blogging this time was less painful than I thought. If anyone is still reading after all my ramblings...you rock! :D